Players

Bomber Posh Iceman BGB Motox Blowjob Heybabe Itsyor Fiddler Florence Icarus Trembler Knee Trembler MsWhiplash Baldrick Harry Potter Uplift Utopia Mrs Blobby Old Fart Premature Cerberus Lou Linda Green Flash Doughnut Dwight Centaur Chopstix Cloggs Shitshoveller Slackbladder Septic Slowsucker TT2 Cabin Boy Little Stiffy Fat Bloke, Emma Spriggs Jo Moss Wed Whinger Ruth Barry Cook and some ladies from Thatcham

Spectators

C5 Mr Blobby Simple Dutchcap Dumper C4 Cheating

The Match

It was a Wayneyday (geddit?) so some of our more delicate hashers decided to stay in the shelter of the pub and watch the telly – I think there was a special episode of Coronation Street on that they couldn’t bear to miss. At the gather round my attention was distracted by Slowsucker thrusting something small, hard and cold into my hand. He said I’d been asking for it for weeks and gave me a quick lesson on how to handle it. To my relief it was the hash dictaphone……..

What I’d missed was extremely important information about length of the trails. Spot had hit upon the idea that the longest day called for the loooooooooooongest trail so that’s what he laid and boy, was it long!. Luckily, for the majority of hashers who have homes/families/lives to go to he also set 5 and a half and 3 mile options assisted by Glittertits, PQ and Honeymonster.

I’d like to mention here that the last trail that Spot laid was with me, Florence, from The Red Lion in Upper Basildon. You’ll remember it well because it was by far the best trail this year but obviously too good for words as no one actually bothered to write about it. Premature was so impressed that he took the map of the trail to use for the Reading Roadrunners and that’s praise indeed. Anyway, Spot couldn’t top that today but he tried hard. He even offered hats to keep us dry. Mrs. Blobby and Utopia looked like Wimbledon spectators in their beanie hats whereas Chopstix looked like she was ready for a spot of gardening in hers.

As we trotted along in the damp I chatted to second-timer Barry Cook who now has the weekly dilemma of choosing between the hash and “Dog agility” (or was it jog ability) classes – a tough one that! Talking of dogs - Fat Bloke lost one of his on the trail last week and didn’t manage to find it ‘til the next day happily ensconced in its new home.

Soon we came to the trail split. I felt duty bound to go on the long as that’s the way my marathon mate, Posh, and her personal trainer, Bomber, were going. TT2 decided he needed the exercise so he followed us and was rewarded with a very close encounter with a Virgin. We crossed the railway track seconds before the train hurtled through blowing its horn. “Blimey, that was scary!” was Posh’s un-posh exclamation. Meanwhile, Shit-shoveller stood across the track glad that he hadn’t made a dash for it. We were too, as diced Shit-shoveller would not have been a pretty sight and the hash desperately needs to retain its new members.

Spot sidled up to Posh and I and had the cheek to say to us that he was surprised that we had come on the long when people faster than us had gone on the short. We mentally crossed him off our Christmas card lists and demanded to know who these “faster” people were. He then tried to backtrack by saying we were brave (more like stupid!)

As if there wasn’t enough of the stuff around there was a water stop. As we partook of Budgen’s finest Montgomery Spring, Spot, Iceman, Shit-shoveller and Slowsucker entertained us by lining up beside a ditch and seeing how far they could pee. Much to Centaur and Dwight’s delight the trail then consisted of lots of very long straight bits. The bored hare had amused himself (but not us!) with signs such as “Not far Now” and “Inn 6 m”. We eventually arrived back at the pub where the beaming faces and offers of drinks told us that Sven’s men were winning. On the short trail the cruel hares left Jo and Emma behind but undeterred they’ll be back for more. On,on Flo

Down-downs

The absence of a willing (or even unwilling) RA meant that the Down-downs were deferred for a week. Instead our old friend Ladybird shares his recipe for how to make sweet lurve.

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes, 4 Well-shaped legs, 4 Loving arms, 2 Firm milk containers, 2 Nuts, 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 Firm banana.

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town.

Receding Hare-line

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