Marathon men and women

Spot, Puppypenis, Motox, BGB, Tinopener, Simple Simon, Florence, Robert, Pete, Old Fart, Foghorn, Cheating, Slowsucker, Itsyor, Miss Whiplash, Phil, Specs, Fiddler, Lonely and Beaver, Shitshoveller, Mrs Dwight & Family, Bomber, Posh, Hitch-hiker, Dunny, Nip & Tuck, Barry, Ness, Miranda and Emma, Uplift, Utopia, Bob, Flash, Slackbladder and Crapper, Nutty, Potty, John, Steve (His first), Andy and dog Sidney Munro Wilkinson (!), Hash Pilot

More harriered than hashed!

Whoever thought it a good idea to have a Hash set by Centaur and Dwight the Monday after Inter-hash has a warped sense of humour (Where were you C5!) Some of the assembled company was looking decidedly the worse for wear both physically and emotionally. Foggy was sporting a headband reminiscent of a Kamikaze pilot (a successful mission presumably!) and Florence looked as if she’d left her horse in Cardiff though this was probably more down to Zebedee who’d honoured her with his presence (He didn’t want to waste his deposit!?) We all knew we were in for a long evening with both Hares belonging to Newbury A.C. (In fact some of the falses were to prove longer than many trails!) The FRBs scattered only to be called back to the footpath next to the village hall where the pack waited indolently! After a long downhill stretch to the road there were runners in all directions – Fiddler left, Old Fart straight on and Flash across and left. Dwight tipped me that this early loop was just to let latecomers catch up (Lonely and Beaver in this case) but it took Simon to spot the narrow gap in the hedge and the footpath back up to the village. We now re-crossed the road through the village with old hands BGB and Motox to the fore and caught up with the walkers crossing a field at the end of the lane. At the next check BGB went left, Motox went right – Which to choose? Do you follow the non-calling, shortcutting, double-backing BGB or the honest, knackered, beer loving, easier to catch Motox? Yep, the latter though he proved impossible to overtake arriving easily first at the re-group/long/short split at an alleged 1 mile. Here Old Fart took his normal leak and we discussed Newbury miles (Long) and Inkpen miles (Vertical) as we knew there would be a few to go!

The long trailers set off up the path and all checked right then all checked left completely ignoring the footpath signed straight on down a PRIVATE drive and the loitering Hare. The penny finally dropped and we arrived at a huge field with two exits –Slowsucker and Robert were conned into the false (Behind the gate!) and had to hack back 200 yards to rejoin the pack. Nobody was getting clear as the trail continued West (away) and artful blobs on cowpats lured the more foolhardy into a field of Highland cattle and caused general confusion until the Hare pointed out the style next to where most were milling! We now dropped down to a road with Itsyor checking out correctly for the first time and he was pursued by brothers Robert and Pete until bored with running in a straight line he turned right and allowed son Fiddler to lead us across a long field of corn to a distant crossroads.

There were some subtle ploys in play here as the Hares touched all the right psychological buttons. We had run for over an hour before we even turned for home so the desire to turn right or left was huge by this stage and at every likely turning they lured the FRBs down long falses but over and again it was always the next turning or left and then right, because at least it had become apparent that this was a clockwise trail. Interesting footpaths were ignored in favour of the road; a likely path through a graveyard proved futile and finally after about 80 minutes a check next to a signpost indicating “Leckhampstead 3 miles”. This was cruel! This had been preceded by the appearance of Hash pilot “shortcutting” across a false. One could only assume that he’d been beamed down from above! Shortly after the signpost we turned left across a garden, a field and then after crossing yet another road, a long downhill section along the edge of a ploughed field brought us out near the village of Bright Walton. Fiddler had effortlessly wound the pace up leaving Slowsucker tiptoeing across the ruts and everyone else in his wake! Dad Itsyor was less successful in negotiating the terrain and cracked his ankle vaulting a style. He was phlegmatic about it later in the pub (Possibly less so when he tells the rest of the family that he will be on crutches for the summer hols!) Slowsucker and Fiddler now checked out the final kink in the trail away from the blasted tarmac and onto another footpath through the corn before picking up a long undulating track to the “ON INN” and back via the village green. We were greeted by the three wise monkeys – Cheating(Speak no sense), Flash(See no flour)and BGB(Hear no calling) sitting on a wall claiming smugly to have done the entire trail (A likely story… Cheating was even more knackered than Florence after his weekend’s exertions) The strains of ”Wild Thing” emanated from the hall as we changed…How apt(See Foghorn below)

Whether or not we can expect a huge intake of Virgins next week after Hashing featured prominently on “Wife Swap” (If only!!!) on C4 (My daughter made me watch it!) If we do I hope they tend towards the hyperactive sports freaks from Exeter rather than the over-weight computer/car-booting anoraks from Huddersfield.

I have been asked to point out that this week’s illustration is Centaur before he was asked by Cheating to “help” mark another trail. We all know what that involves!!!!!!

DOWN DOWNS

RA Spot presided over the following awards;

CHEATING	Appearing in the Forest of Dean!	It was his other Hash’s trail!
FOGHORN	Revealing his true nature in the showers!	Like a flash(er)?
TINOPENER	Losing Miranda in the Millennium Stadium. “The Underdog” now on a lead!	A good effort
FLASH	Joining Newbury AC but more of a “Flash in the pan” than a true frontrunner!	On his bike!
MOTOX	Impersonating a condom	A decent pint for a change went down easily!
CENTAUR AND DWIGHT	The Hares	Centaur by a fetlock

ON ON TO

RUN NO.	DATE	GRID REF.	VENUE/PUB DETAILS	HARES
1394	09/08/04	609624	THE TREACLE MINE, TADLEY	HAMLET
1395	16/08/04	559648	THE THREE HORSESHOES, BRIMPTON	MR BLOBBY/C5