Run
			Number:

				
		
			
1513

				
		
			
19/11/06

				
		
			
Visit
			the website – http://www.berkshirehash.co.uk
			 
Website Email     – iceman@berkshirehash.co.uk
			 


			

				
	

	

		
			
Venue:

				
		
			
Sundhurst
			Memorial Car Park

				
	

	

		
			
Hares:

				
		
			
BlouseBlazer,
			ShutupWally

				
	





Losers


Martin Simple Nutty
Podcracker(that’s how it came out on the recorder – must
be right!) Hashgate Snowballs Lilo TinOpener and dog Emma Tony PP and
dog Barney Handful Honeymonster Baldrick OldFart Iceman Drac C5
Dumper Lemming Mother Theresa Chopstix Shandyman Dutch
LoudonTasteless Spex Motox PissQuick Glittertits Desperate Shitfor
Grommet StinkingBishop Bridget Lonely Florence Itsyor Twanky Cheating
…and later Clogg NonStick ShitShoveller Fukawe Hamlet 




Lost


The
crystal consonants, rolled ‘r’s and plummy vowels were
straight out of the 40’s. Alvar Liddell eat your heart out. BBC
World Service (Russian Division) in the form of a British Martin, a
svelte Russian кавалер,
дама Yulia Kalanbarova (whose
neat backside had very evidently never ridden a Ukranian tractor for
eighteen hours a day) and a small tape machine attached to an
exceedingly large microphone (Twanky was very impressed) had arrived
to record the Berkshire Hash for posterity and BlouseBlazer was being
taped. “Gether rind. Gether rind you cheps and gels.” He
intoned. “So gled to see you hyah on this luvvly morn”.
He continued, flapping a theatrical hand toward the azure sky. It was
the same later at the Regroup. “Well, I say, what fun we’re
hevving. And we’ll soon be awf again, what?” Had our
Russian friends known what a complete собака’s
breakfast Blouse and ShutupWally had made of the trail they’d
have been Stalin for time before taking Steppes to Trotsky rapidly
away. Part of the problem lay in the fact that Slippery Nipples was
originally going to lay the trail with BlouseBlazer but she had to
cry off at the last minute. So BlouseBlazer hauled in ShutupWally to
help but failed to contact him in time on the Saturday so that, in
desperation, Wally started laying what he thought ought to be the
trail while BlouseBlazer was laying the real one not a mile or two
away. You know, the more I think about this the funnier it gets. Take
a moment to view a mental video of the situation. It is truly
cracking me up. Something that also cracked up the Long (lost) trail
runners as we stopped for a breather at mile 9 or so was Florence,
who innocently described ShutupWally as a “slippery
substitute”. Desperate almost choked to death on hearing this
and the look on Florence’s face as she realised what she had
said was an absolute picture. Pity our Russian friend wasn’t
there to record that particular soundbite!

So
add to the pre-Hash chaos the fact that most of the flour had
disappeared or, knowing BlouseBlazer’s prediliction for
parsimony on the flour front, never been laid in the first place
(there’s more flour in a bowl of borscht than on any of
BlouseBlazer’s trails all put together) and you have a Gordon
Ramseyesque recipe for disaster with plenty of swearing and cursing.
Toss in a fairly heavy frost and some ice in the shaded areas,
Lemming, having to run through a bog, some slippery conditions
underfoot and a co-Hare who has no idea where he is going and…
actually, the more I think of it the more I reckon this one has ‘Hash
of the Year’ written all over it.


Let’s
start with the sight of Lemming attempting to stuff a handful of ice
from a puddle down Desperate’s back. Well, why not? We had no
idea where we were going and no flour to follow. (You know, having
just watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy on TV I can’t get
the thought of Gollum out of my head every time Lemming’s name
pops up. Try it, you’ll see what I mean.) Actually, Desperate
needed something to wake her up – she was overheard describing
the after-Hash activity at Hallowe’en as ‘apple dobbin’.
Didn’t see any horses myself…

After
OldFart and Itsyor’s initial headlong rush that took us through
a sopping, cold, ankle-deep bog we rather ran out of steam so a
little light relief was very welcome and Mother Theresa was obviously
up for a bit of relief since she was spotted with her back covered in
mud. We had a couple of fallers later in the shape of C5 and Iceman.
I didn’t actually see C5 plunge but I am reliably informed that
it was a cracker. An initial skid while running, a failure to plant a
solid footstep, the eyebrows rising ever skywards at the possibility
of disaster,  a desperate stagger to regain the balance which only
increased the momentum and the final, ignominious squelch followed by
a slight flapping sound as all the wrinkles come to rest. Iceman, by
contrast, was more down-to-earth (in more ways than one). Itsyor and
I were running closely on his shoulder down a leafy forest track
where the root-crossed ground began to rise a little. We were fairly
determined to pass the flying, yellow-shirted Hibernian and I just
managed to slip by on the left when, out of the corner of my eye,
I’ll swear I saw Itsyor reach out and give poor Iceman a solid
shove. Think James Caan in Rollerball and you’ll get the idea.
Whatever happened, the lad went down like a set of bagpipes casually
discarded from a great height, causing us, I’m afraid, a moment
of trouser-splitting hilarity. In case you think we are heartless
brutes please note that I rarely find anything funnier than when I
fall over. A couple of years ago, on a summer night, when dusk was
upon us I was chasing across  the sward, unaware of a dip in the
undulating field. One moment hurtling through the hip-high grasses,
pub in sight, recorder in hand and talking twenty to the dozen; the
next, nothing under my front foot, a suddenly disappearing Hashgate
to those behind and a full three minutes for the laughter to die
down. You can’t beat a good pratfall and some prats fall better
than others.Hare
ShutupWally gets quote of the day (though it is a very close thing
with Florence). While consulting gps, map and compass in a desperate
bid to point the Long Trailers in at least roughly the right
direction he said with all seriousness, “It may not come
through here.” Despite our exhaustion how could we not smile?
Shitfor, TinOpener, Desperate, Tony, Florence, Iceman, Twanky and I
somehow found ourselves running past Broadmoor and wondering how
Wally had managed to get a weekend pass. At least those of us who had
run the Bracknell Forest Five and the Bracknell Bounders relays had a
rough idea where we were. Which was certainly more than Cheating, who
we found skulking about by a Check near a deserted school, blustering
that he had run all the trail and failing dismally to convince us.
How the hell he got there we had no idea. But then, neither did he.


It took us
a while to get back via tarmac and track but eventually we did and
enjoyed a good pint in a really nice pub. Well, outside actually, on
a superb decking. So, an interesting(!) Hash and I have to say that
BlouseBlazer now has as much chance of being renamed TrailBlazer as
Jan Leeming has of winning “I’m a Celebrity…”.


On On.  Hashgate.



Down Downs


RA Simple
single-handedly presided over a boatrace which Captain Shandyman and
his team just pinched from Captain Lemming and his team:-



	
	
	
	

		
			
Name

				
		
			
Reason

				
		
			
Style
			points

				
	

	

		
			
LoudonTasteless

				
		
			
100
			runs. Well done, feller!

				
		
			
Nice
			smooth downing

				
	

	

		
			
Yulia

				
		
			
Being
			daft enough to ask how Dutch Cap got her name

				
		
			
And
			I though all Russians drank like fish. Even I can drink faster
			than she can.

				
	

	

		
			
Mother
			Chopstix

				
		
			
Stopping
			other people getting wet on the Hash

				
		
			
A pint, two straws, two very slow suckers

				
	

	

		
			
BlouseBlazer
			ShutupWally

				
		
			
The
			Hares

				
		
			
BlouseBlazer’s
			was taken back & returned as a half since he didn’t
			deserve a full pint for this trail. Wally spilt his all over his
			front

				
	





Dumper
presented Dutch with the BH3 umbrella. It seemed only
right that it returned to its original finder. Nice Down Down by the
girl.



Up and
Coming



	
	
	
	
	
	

		
			
Run

				
		
			
Date

				
		
			
Grid
			Reference

				
		
			
Venue

				
		
			
Hares

				
	

	

		
			
1515

				
		
			
03/12/06

				
		
			
553745

				
		
			
Yattendon
			Village Hall RG18 0UE

				
		
			
CIAC,
			HeyBabe

				
	

	

		
			
1516

				
		
			
10/12/06

				
		
			
822794

				
		
			
The
			Seven Stars, Knowl Hill 
RG10 3UR

				
		
			
Cloggs
NonStick