Bude 2011 – Hashgate’s Personal Diary

This year’s entertainment was organized perfectly by C5, C4, Mr and Mrs Blobby, Zebedee, Florence, Cabin Buoy, Hamlet and Fukawe. Consultancy provided by Dumper and Septic. So much for us to do and, despite the full-on nature of the week, very relaxing. Our grateful thanks go to all of them for their volunteer efforts.

17^th June

Ahhh. 7:10 and first pint of the evening. After exigencies of the drive, the rain, heaving stuff to chalet and erecting marquee with dripping Mr. Blobby, C5, Dumper, Motox and Flash that Hash best left to more lunatic element. Lunatics duly set off in driving rain for run. Donut and I set off for bar.

Had arrived earlier and spotted Nutty, Potty, Snowballs, Simple and Skids trotting thirstily into nearest pub. No surprise there. Collected envelope with keys and chalet details. Envelope covered in camp map and label entitled Jayne Rudd next to text stating ‘’serviced’ under which had been written ‘Hashgate’. No date. Presumably Mrs Blobby will remember. Sadly, I don’t. Our chalet two blocks up hill from car park. Car stuffed with enough food and clothes to see Ben Fogle to South Pole. Whinge and TC’s chalet one block up from car park. Whinge and TC sitting in window and remarking on exhaustion level of sweating Donut and Hashgate wetly heaving massive loads up hill. D and H not entirely appreciating broad grins and ribald comments. Defibrillation, oxygen and pasty aided recovery.

So - in bar enjoying restorative pint trying to ignore George the dragon and loud Europop. Kids’ hour. George indeterminately sexed green furry dragon filled with indeterminately sexed ‘entertainer’. Just bought pint at bar when set finished and George hugging mothers and kids with equal delight. Met George in doorway on way back to Donut. Gave George look which indicted George would receive kick in scaly knackers if personal space invaded. George edged silently past.

Enjoyed post-Hash first evening drinks in previously erected marquee in force 8 gale and lashing rain. Donut doing fair impression of Michelin girl. It got dark. Baldrick switched on head torch of 40,000 lux; moved head from side to side blinding all with open eyes. Simple yelled. “Baldrick. If you don’t turn that light off I’m going to rip off your head and stuff it up a Pole.” Minor grammatical error made Polish Mrs. Baldrick (JWax) chuckle in amusement. Rest of us pleased not to be Eastern European.

18th June

Breezy start to day though personally not feeling too breezy after previous day’s exigencies and evening on booze. Off on Hash Walk organised by Zeb and Flo. Navigation ability severely tested trying to find cliff top car park in Tintagel. Figured going wrong way in Tintagel high street when passed Whinge and TC driving in opposite direction. Despite leaving Penstowe first, arrived in car park last. Made way along coast in howling gale until reached magical Tintagel itself. Gale magically dropped in lea of Tintagel castle. Eyed single seal bobbing up and down in sea eyeing us. Found ourselves among small herd of munching ponies including small brown and white colt who strolled over and also munched Donut’s and Slowsucker’s trousers. Interesting choice of sustenance.Walking down steep slope Fukawe wobbled left and plunged headlong into bushes for no apparent reason. Zeb assisted removal while I almost fell over too, laughing. Got come uppance tripping over large pile of unseen (by me) horse poo with Dumper performing laughter role. Made it to windy Port William where hardy portion of Hashers sat out in wind holding on to lunchtime salad leaves. Sensible portion sat in pub watching. Also when hardy Zeb and Slowsucker stripped to swimmers and raced into sea. Pondered strangeness of human condition while finishing Slowsucker’s left pint. Gale returned when yomping alomg cliff top later. Nutcracker, unable to see Donut, asked me if she’d blown off. Gave Nutty questioning look before understanding question. Tea and scones later in excellent Wayside café, bistro, tapas bar and scoffing emporium.

Abigail’s Party themed evening at Mr & Mrs Blobby, Slippery and Full Frontal’s chalet. Grabbed by FF as walked in door and psychedelic headband applied. Donut and Skids went for Minnie Mouse look with headband.

19th June

Declined enjoyment of Camel Trail bike ride where Baldrick added to enjoyment by confusing mass bike hire situation by hiring own bike… Apparently good ride with riders going to end of Trail instead of peeling off at Blissland where pub located. Eagerness resulted in tad more exhaustion than necessary. Approximately 2/3 of Hash got lost. Particularly Old Dog, Ms Whiplash and Jwax. Sounded like good day.

Donut and I visited friend with screeching budgie, big fluffy cat and medium-sized fluffy dog with centre parting haircut reminding me of obnoxious lawyer at work. Some personal satisfaction in scratching hound’s ears (while pretending hound was lawyer) and receiving grateful thanks.

Then off to magnificent National Trust house and gardens at Lanhydrock, laughing schoolboyishly at name of place on way: Broadwoodwidger. Pathetic. Filled brain with as much culture and history as possible then left before coachloads of Dutch people (some wearing garish orange) arrived. Nice timing.

Themed chalet evening at 6.15 hosted by Skids, Simple, Nutty, Potty & Snowy. All wore a variety of hats to celebrate Simple and Skids’ one year anniversary. Jolly reception followed by evening at local New Inn for great food washed down with lashings of beer. Spent one merry hour chatting with Mr Blobby about all things ICL. No details – don’t want to promote suicide by boredom.

20th June

Activities day. Falconry, clay pigeon shooting, grass boarding or surfing. Mr Blobby completely knackered self constantly climbing back on board after incessant immersion. Dribbler initially frightened having huge bird on arm instead of Butterfly. Whinge marginally deafened by constant banging and unable to hit anything going away from him. Decided on trip to Eden Project with Swallow and Slowsucker. Nearing Eden mist descended and glad of puffer jacket. Donut exhibited Michelin girl style again for our pleasure. Eden utterly stuffed with visitors. Drank invigorating coffee while watching dead cat exhibit (see website for details) and headed for rainforest Biome. Sweating hordes shuffled out giving us idea of what to come. Puffer jacket removed 3 metres into tropical atmosphere. Tempting to remove shirt and trousers too. Decided schlepping round in only socks and shoes not socially acceptable. Began to perspire. Fascinating to see pineapples, bananas and vanilla pods growing. Found out vanilla plants encouraged to reproduce by being held together for ten seconds. Decided human method much more fun. If not necessarily much longer. Recommend visit to Eden Project – fascinating place.

Eveing Hash with Looe and Liskeard. Rain lashed down and coach driver struggling to see 50 metres ahead. C5 decided to stop at the pub to let off Swallow, Ms. Whiplash and Mrs. Blobby who sensibly decided not to scurry about in the dripping countryside. Baldrick scurried up the coach and shouted something nonsensical in C5’s ear about people wanting to get off the coach. No-one actually wanted to so C5 gave Baldrick a flea in his (ear, that is). Drove straight past turning after Chopper failed to recognise it. Drove all way back. Turned round and finally arrived. Had to be pushed out of coach into virtual blizzard. Following initial confusion and squidge across sodden field with sodden sheep warmed up and rest of Trail exceptionally pleasant and nicely challenging. Arrived back at coach where driver disappeared and Septic locked in. Interesting.

On to Kings Head following lots of people stripping off in coach and near fudge riot with Old Dog and Ms Whiplash struggling to reach tray of goodies I handed out. Donut exhibiting interest in handing out activity since fudge hers. Oops. Great evening meal at pub despite no beer on tap when all arrived and again when went to purchase second round. Nice to know Hash can drink pub dry twice!

21st June

Very early start to get coach to see the puffins on Lundy Island. Little did we know what delights were in store. Sinclairs (C4 and C5) found it difficult to remain seated in coach, organizing frenziedly, C4 acting as Clippy. Shuffled on to gently rocking boat and enjoyed scent of bacon croissants emanating subtly from health food galley (slight irony intended). Smiling voyagers bought buns, coffee, Mars bars. Atmosphere quite merry. Half way through voyage and all change. Boat pitching against wind in ‘moderate’ seas like plastic duck in jacuzzi. Crew hurrying to and fro with sick bags for massed ranks of internally challenged. Mrs Blobby with Kwells, ginger ale and wrist bracelets sitting serenely amidst heaving crowd. Made simpering excuse to Donut and made way aloft past Used Rubber exhibiting all qualities of supreme barf tenor. Hither grey-faced girl called for Ralph in trilling soprano. Thither green-faced bloke talked to God on great white telephone in stunning bass. Met Potty in doorway to upper deck earnestly staring at horizon and holding on to door frame with vice-like grip. Joined him We spoke very little, gaze never leaving horizon. Thanked whatever deity we have when boat drew into shelter of harbour and docked. Wondered how puffins manage, bobbing up and down on swell. Gratefully scaled larboard strake and stepped on to dry (unmoving) land. Staggered with knotted stomachs up massive hill in hot sunshine. Really enjoying day. Whinge enjoyed even more when standing in outside loo of pub at top of hill. Neck-high wall enabled view of other Hash staggerers including Nutty to whom Whinge waved with both hands while shouting to her, “I was just thinking about you.”

Lundy very pleasant. Sun and blue skies. Wheatears flitting along path. Friendly horses nuzzling us for scraps of food. Packed lunch sitting on warm rock. Then over to windy, rugged side of island to view puffins. Spotted Used Rubber (now barf-free) and Ms Whiplash sitting well back from cliff edge. Miles below puffins bobbed up and down in swell, not being sick. Lucky buggers. Took photograph of puffins (see left – puffins plainly visible). Preview showed magnificent soaring cliffs, ocean miles below, small dots in ocean… possibly puffins.

Later, filed down to boat in hot sunshine with some trepidation. No-one really looking forward to storm-tossed return journey. Donut and I selected sturdy seat in bar surrounded by glass in order horizon could be gazed at as necessary. In event, proved to be most enjoyable trip. One minute ship’s company enjoying sight of dolphins effortlessly racing boat next minute discussing price of Polos with Red Rum. Interesting metaphysical contrast.

Quote of day goes to Mrs Blobby. Sitting with us she opined, “You’ll never guess what I can see in the Gents toilet.”

Bacon Sarnies much later in chalet. And no barfing. Result.

22nd June

Ouch! Tweaked back in morning. No, not attempting fly-in position 132a from wardrobe wearing koala outfit. Just bending over to pick up jeans while wearing running kit. Running definitely off. Walking not to brill either. Following assisted re-clothing in aforementioned jeans and T-shirt by Donut (also tied up shoes and drove to The Puffin’ Billy (it’s all puffins isn’t it?) in Torrington. Decided to attempt Hash. Interesting first part up hill – lots of bending under low-hanging tree branches. Managed with sotto voce swearing and lot of perspiration. Back eased up a little after mile or so. Excellent Trail marking but went wrong at obelisk overlooking beautiful stretch of river. Luckily, met two dogs and friendly chap. Used to live in Henley. Very helpful with directions while waving small plastic bag of dog poo about to indicate directions. Finally got to pub where Hash overwhelmed kitchen. Spoke to gasping cook later propping herself up at bar mopping sweat from bar with soiled oven glove. Afterwards trotted (ok, walked slowly) round pleasant town, ending up in Dartington crystal factory shop. Met Blobbies and C4/C5. Ladies interestedly viewing glassy offerings. Gentlemen wearing glassy expressions.

Early evening BH³’s Got Talent night. C5 ‘played’ clarinet. Acker Bilk? Hmm. Not quite. Fukawe, Hamlet, Cabin Buoy and Lonely put on trained dog show with Fukawe wearing fishnets and ‘dogs’ performing tricks. Hmm also. Dribbler quoted verbatim an epic Rudyard Kipling poem. Judge Penny Pitstop uttered quote of night: “I think Mr. Kipling should have stuck to baking cakes.” Before Dribbler eased off stage during tumbleweed moment.

Off to Quiz Evening at The Old Smithy. Lovely pub with private room for us. Dribbler and Butterfly magnificent quiz and mistress (perhaps could be phrased better), managing to control drunken rabble. Questions excellent. Best answer of evening to Baldrick who decided: “How many legs does an English honey bee have?” was two since he felt it was trick question. Rest of team agreed bees would look silly with four dangling bits and overruled. Just as well. Member of our team, Whinge, looked like had never had a better evening in life…

23rd June

Ray and Annie’s walk from and to Hartland village. Managed first couple of miles like stumbling zombie but back eased up a tad. Lilo’s dog, Minx, enjoyed every inch of Trail at least twice. Covered more miles than we do in months. Fantastic views over countryside; then sea and cliffs. Sheep doings on boot soles not really interfering with enjoyment. Precipitous descent to pebbly beach taxed all and stopped to rest while Whinge and friends scavenged beach for rocks and stones. Had all been asked by Butterfly to look for interesting stone for stone competition in chalet that evening. Looking forward to amazing stone rave, then… Spotted interesting stone by foot which (due to inability to bend down) Swallow picked up and Donut carried for me (blow for sexism there). Minx bowled over Lilo who executed perfect pratfall and ripped new walking trousers. Minx possibly destined for mutt pound at this point. Lilo forgave later. Red Rum had restorative fag and disappeared into bushed area for what we assumed was open-air poo but turned out had discovered short cut up next cliff top.

On to pub after Snowballs failed to identify buzzard, hovering motionlessly over cliff top in stiff wind. Though Snowy unable to see buzzard clearly, no doubt buzzard’s superior eyesight picked out muppet trying to identify it far below. Snowy, luckily for him, moving, otherwise bird may have stooped for white-haired snack. Pub down very steep slope. Simple relying on some closing of eyes and much gulping to see him down. Once at pub, Hamlet and Fukawe nabbed only wind-free outside seat and held position against all comers until Lonely and Full Frontal edged in. Lonely earlier had appeared in pub doorway clutching a huge bag of crisps and wearing camouflage socks. Latter somewhat disconcerting when Lonely standing in countryside – body appeared to be floating above boots. He glanced over at me, raised eyebrows, and mysteriously shimmered backwards into pub.

Walk back initially steep but made up for by glorious sunshine, waterfalls and ancient hedgerows filled with every kind of wild flower. Did not stop Swallow suffering palpitations.and suffering symptoms similar to puffin-viewing sea-trip. Luckily, no harm done.

Duck racing afterwards. Massed ranks of little rubber duckies sent down stream sponsored by Hash members. Side betting optional. Problems when duckies caught in reeds. Whinge, C5 and Mr Blobby spending time in stream prising little yellow friends from sedge and bullrush. Lisa won race. Or rather her duck did.

Stone competition in evening hotly contested. Butterfly officiated. Picked five outstanding stones from rest and brought out to marquee to explain outstanding properties of each to assembled throng. Finished off with quote of night: “If anyone would like to come up and feel them…” Smile on C5’s face wider than Bideford bay just as Hash crowd erupted into roar of approval. Mrs Blobby won with stunning piece of schist. Not sure if she still has it…

Another coach trip in evening. This time to ‘Life’s A Beach’. Excellent sea food restaurant. Hash took over good half of restaurant. Got down to serious business of drinking to insensibility. Skids, Nutty and Donut also got down to serious business of standing by bar and eyeing up talent, in case backup required. Were largely disappointed. Dribbler floated around, offering wine and conversation. Both flowed freely. Donut took horrendous photograph of Dribbler and me while both suffering alcoholic disadvantage. Picture largely filled with Dribbler nostrils, red pupils and Hashgate attempting to kiss right ear (Dribbler’s, not own). Hamlet also marginally alcoholically challenged. Knocked decorative plate off wall trying to find own chair on way back from bog. Plate still in one piece. More than could be said for Hamlet. Decided chat with other half more rewarding so discussed tattoos and body piercing with Fukawe.

Later, regular coach driver now certain Hash made up of drunks and loonies. Singing, fighting, swearing broke out. And that just the women.

24th June

Awoke to romantic sound of gent rodding out drains outside bedroom window. Made tea. Listened to discussion between gent and next door chalet owner. Learned drains full of s**t and plastic bags. Made Alpen breakfast and chewed moodily. Inspection plate splattered back into place and gent drove off. Complete Alpen as local radio breakfast show fades into distance.

Novelty Hash in bude this morning organised by Cabin Buoy, Hamlet and Fukawe. Participants dressed as customs officers or smugglers. Simple’s creativity came to fore since he wore swimming trunks down which he’d stuffed feathers and small bird – budgie’s smugglers, see? Rest of crew resembled theatrical crackheads on rehabilitation day out. Except Lonely who looked like angelic catamite in sailor boy stripes. Decided would not do to drop him in middle of Brighton during Gay Pride week. Cabin Buoy in similar get-up, evoking thoughts of mincing escapee from HMS Pinafore. With handcufss dangling from belt. Ooer. We had: map of Bude marked with numbers at locations, list of numbered questions relating to locations and points that could be gained by answering questions, time limit of 70 minutes. Brilliant! Off we went. Organisation of Hash faultlesss. Execution by Hashers riddled with errors. Donut and I spent 15 minutes searching for Indian restaurant in wrong street. Failed to find blob of flour opposite school. Then failed to find colour of letter in school name despite questioning of teacher by Donut. Realised I was lurking outside junior school and nipped smartly to opposite side of road before rozzers arrived. Rest of Hash great fun despite having to guess answers to many of questions to to inability to run or identify locations. Attempted to figure out time on church clock across golf course by taking picture with Donut’s camera and viewing result with zoom feature. Turned out 7 o’clock not quite correct.

Down Downs great fun with Cabin Buoy placed in mobile leg stocks by Aqua after he did same to her. Handcuffed (key lost – nice touch) and pelted with wet sponges. Lashed by (who else) Ms. Whiplash and Old Dog. They seemed to be enjoying it. As did Cabin Buoy. Dribbler also penalised for ‘electronic cheating’ with GPS. Found him in toilet later drying head under hot air machine.

Later most enjoyable Hash wedding of Jwax and Baldrick on windy beach. C5 (RA) officiated, dresssed in swirling Cardinal’s red robes, cap and giraffe coloured spectacles. Onlookers totally confused by ceremony. As were many Hashers. No-one offered any reason why ‘these two may not be…’ etc so it all went off swimmingly.

Hash awards in evening. In dripping marquee under lashing rain.

Awards presented by RA C5 as follows:-

Pet of the week – to Mike, Twanky’s small teddy bear who accompanied him everywhere in pocket of shorts.

Hash Crash of the week – Fukawe during the Tintagel walk (see above).

Best chalet partner – Penny Pitstop for locking the rest of her partners out of the chalet.

Athlete of the week – Flash. It rained hard during the first Friday night Hash so he put on slippers and watched TV.

Sex God of the week – Cabin Buoy. His girlfriend declined the offer of a chalet room in favour of the tent they had brought because he ‘gets a bit noisy’!

Mug of the week – Red Rum. For being kind enough to load all the bikes, barbeques and sundry gubbins in his van and transport it down and back..

Hasher of the week – joint prize to Ray and Annie for all their hard work.

Timekeeper of the week – Florence. Actually first on the coach going to Lundy trip!

Smoothie of the week – JJ for advising a lady “You’re like a cow in a field.”

Drunkards of the week – JJ and Aqua for severe cider imbibing.

On to disco and band in Penstowe pleasure emporium and dance hall. Arrived as kids’ hour finishing so number of small persons mucking about on dance floor. Donut and I embarrassed some off by dancing in middle of floor. Motox smoothed in, viewing possible dance partners with practised eye. Band had brought many followers and got into old Fifties records. Swirling skirts and whirling women. What fun! Fun increasing as drinks consumed more rapidly. When band taking break disco ramped up, playing some good dance music and some old favourites to which everyone could dance. After evening of unalloyed hedonism and Bacchanalian enjoyment slopped back to chalet in driving rain. Sank gratefully into bed after perfect day and perfect week.

Bude Programme