Damn Cold People

Sue5 Iceman Hashgate Uptake ShutupWally Potty Nutcracker Foghorn Chopstix Motox Premature Cerberus and dog Molly Septic Dumper Uplift Ms. Whiplash Bomber Posh BGB SlipperyNipple PissQuick Cloggs Kevin Zebedee Florence Christina John Julia Juliana JuicesFlowing ParsonsNose Cheating Lonely and (dirty) dog Beaver

A (Honey)Monster of a Hash

So here’s a George, then. Probably not the one the pub was named after but it will have to do. The fellow wears the same pained expression of regret that C5 had donned on Sunday morning when he informed us that, despite being down as a Hare he had been unable to assist the hard-working Honeymonster due to a lower leg injury. A stunning ploy by one of the elder statesmen of the Hash. The sheer brass neck of the fellow is amazing. He seemed perfectly happy stonking about the car park in a pair of trousers accidently hot-washed by Sue5 so that they barely came to calf level. And from what we could see of his calves not one varicose vein, not one twisted muscle showed – not even a hint of surgical stocking (though he has been known to wear non-surgical ones on every occasion possible). So we must thank Honeymonster for the myriad checks and twisting trail that we ran today. I was quite surprised that only one person had done it because it was a fair old trail with some quite long Falses. The bugger’s obviously fitter than we thought. Either that or he’s got a mountain bike.

Before we started Cerberus was looking round rather warily. And well she might. It was brought to my attention that Beaver, who’s libido up until last recently was as limp as two-day old lettuce, had attempted to give her a damn good rogering last week. Lonely (beaver’s lord and master) had apparently stood to one side, admiring the old fellow’s technique and applauding at intervals as the thought of stud fees floated into his mind. Cerberus, on the other hand, was under the mistaken impression that husband Premature (so aptly named…) had, due to advanced geriatric disintegration, mistaken the time and day for what he calls ‘Animal Fun Night’ when he likes to don various animal skins and… well I’m sure you know. Cerberus could put up with all the snorting and panting from behind and even that ear-licking bit but she was damned if she was going to do it in broad daylight. She reached backwards ready to yank and twist when she realised that Premature seemed, well, a lot bigger than usual. Something was obviously amiss. She turned quickly to see the lolling tongue, eyeballs staring out of their sockets and rather a lot of saliva (come to think of it, it could well have been Premature). However, a wife knows and leapt screaming into the nearest rhodedendron while Lonely finally admonished his crazed beast with a “Naughty Beaver” and pound signs ringing up in his eyes.

Perhaps I had better get on to the Hash before I run out of space. We trotted early on round a fairly friendly estate and I had a chat with the very friendly JuicesFlowing, who was wearing a tiny pair of silver Hash feet as earrings. A nice touch. I didn’t feel up to quizzing her about the origin of her name but consoled myself with the thought that it was probably chicken-based, since her partner’s sobriquet is ParsonsNose. As soon as Chopstix had confidently kicked through a check we set off after Bomber, Zebedee and Uptake and soon found ourselves in a bit of country. The ground was rock-solid after weeks of dry weather and it took a bit of concentration to not turn the ankles over. Bomber decided to go up a False which left me on the right trail by accident rather a long way ahead. I decided to correct this by going up a False myself, letting Cerberus and Posh go the right way, thanking me like the ladies they are. We all seemed to be quite lucky at the checks and generally sped on, despite the damn cold wind that was a-blowing. We decided on an impromptu regroup to allow Kevin and Zebedee to check out the False and Motox to catch up with the pack. Of course, as soon as he arrived we gave him a cheery grin and set off rapidly again after Premature and Kevin who had both cheated – Premature by ignoring the regroup call and Kevin who followed him, pretending he would call him back. Pathetic really, although it didn’t do them much good. We soon caught up as they hit false trails.

The rest of the Hash went in rather a blur as we cruised ever onwards, stopping only briefly to chat with a couple and their baby who were out for a quiet family stroll and got caught up in the maelstrom of BH³. Kevin hurtled past them one way, Spot the other. Zebedee and I yet another way. Then we all returned for the aforementioned chat. At least we got a bit of a rest before ploughing off again down a not very obvious route. Zeb and I ran past some extremely attractive houses, all oak beams and gentle atmosphere and we pointed them out to each other in the mistaken theory that the pointer might gain some small racing advantage as the pointee stopped to view the pointed. Crikey! This is getting too complicated. I’m sure you know what I mean. The FRBs all play silly mind games. ShutupWally tries it occasionally but his games are played to rules only he is aware of. i.e if we all turned up ready to play football, he would appear kitted out in South American armadillo jockey attire.

The rest of the trail turned into a bit of a race for Zeb and myself so nobody else got a look in. Apologies for that but it was a cold day and a warm pub beckoned. Thanks Honeymonster and C5. We enjoyed every inch of it! On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

Prior to the business of the day our revered RA Motox was presented with a bottle of ‘Old Git’ wine by Foghorn in honour of his birthday. It seemed highly appropriate that one old git presented something named after him to another.

Up and Coming

Announcement

Full Moon Hash at ShutupWally’s on Good Friday. 19:30 start. Food will be excellent so contact him at iamwally@ntlworld.com to let him know you are coming.