The Hashers – Loads of’em!

Ian, Vicky, Centaur, Stan, Wally, Hamlet, Glitter Tits, Piss Quick, Cerberus, Premature, Dutch Cap, Bob, Spex, Iceman, Baldrick, Cheating, TT2, Itsyour, Fiddler, Old Fart, Twanky, Bev (see Down Downs), Spot, Judith, Daughter of Judith, Lonely, Muff, Foghorn, Gussett, Capt Haystacks, Claire, Honeymonster, C5, Max, Angie, Alison, Charles, Motox, Miss Whiplash, John, Salome, Dumper, septic, Mr Blobby, Mrs Blobby, Utopia, Mr Mainwaring, Squelchy, Cool Box, Florence, Zebedee, Flash, BGB, Mark, Ben, Christian, Jenny , plus 8 or 9 whose names I didn’t get the chance to find out, so my apologies to them.

The trouble was that Hashgate asked me to do the Gob Sheet because he’s skiving somewhere and then didn’t give me the Dictaphone. Consequently, I had to make written notes and try to remember what happened. So Hashgate apologises for any inaccuracies and says you’re welcome to sue him for any perceived slight you may receive in this document.

Talking of Hashgate, why do we have the helicopter on the Gob Sheet? I’m using his template and since I worship at the templ(at)e of Hashgate, I wouldn’t dream of changing it. I know the Air Ambulance is our nominated charity, so is that why we have to see it every week? Any suggestions you have for a different picture, please submit on a postcard. The best idea will win a small prize.

The Hash

After a somewhat exciting start, given the number of people Foghorn had to round up and keep quiet, we headed off en masse over the road, the walkers then heading off one way whilst the runners disappeared down a path. This proved to be the start of a long stretch across fairly open land some of which was quite slippery. Indeed, as he was crossing a style, Mark slipped and crashed to the ground just behind me. Now, he’s a big hulk of a heavy hasher so the ground shook and the earth moved. For a moment I thought C4 and I were making love but then realised that we did it for 2003 back in February so it must have been a faller at the first fence.

We reached a regroup and stood around for a bit while we waited for panting hashers to catch up. Glitter Tits was champing at the bit (he’s apparently aiming for sub 5 minute miles at the Mortimer Fun Run and wants to get in training) and eventually we glided smoothly on. This time the trail was through woodland and very picturesque it was, too. We wended our way through the trees and round the bushes only to reach another regroup. Potty and Nutty must have been feeling tired as they laid the trail and thought that another rest would be just what everyone needed at that point. But they were proved dramatically wrong as Premature lived up to his name. He pawed at the ground for a few seconds and then, snorting smoke from his nostrils, headed off into the wild unknown. Glitter Tits followed him in his attempt to improve his anticipated speed in the Mortimer Fun Run to four and a half minute miles.

However, the rest of the good guys soon caught the recalcitrants up and started more frolicking through the woods – after all, it was only a 5 mile run (Potty had said) so no problem, we can enjoy it and have some fun. Ha! Potty was either pissed (more than likely) when he made that estimate or (equally as likely) he’s getting confused in his old age. So as the evening wore on and the woods got gloomier and more sinister there was less frolicking and more serious attempts to get back before the pub shut.

Fiddler was obviously in a hurry as he tried to pass a line of weary bodies only to crash into a plethora of head high, leg stopping, bracken and came to a dead halt. Then Glitter Tits tried the same trick in an attempt to get his Mortimer Fun Run time to sub 4-minute miles. He tried to overtake and found that the bank he was trying to run on was not quite as firm as he thought it was and came lurching like a drunken Potty straight into a number of poor unsuspecting hashers merely going about their own business.

Centaur was in a minority as he thought the run wasn’t long enough (but he would think that, wouldn’t he?). Consequently, he checked a trail, declared it to be false so we all ran up a big hill only to find that was false also. Which was the true trail? You’ve guessed – the one that Centaur had checked. Mind you, he wasn’t alone. Later on Zebedee did exactly the same thing. The difference was that it was sheer incompetence on his part rather than a cynical attempt to make the run longer.

The ground was wet from the day’s rain and we actually saw some shaggy for the first time in weeks. At one stage we ran up the bed of a stream that actually had water in it. This seemed to please Wally particularly and he gambolled up it shouting his usual banalities with even more than usual vigour.

So on we went, through the ever-darkening woods. Mr Blobby managed to turn over both his ankles on different occasions, which I thought showed particular carelessness. However, for the most part it seemed to spur him on to ever-increasing speed. I think it was the sheer terror of being lost, alone and stranded in the blackness of the woods with two dodgy ankles that spurred him on. Ian showed what a kind, caring, sharing hasher he is by waiting and repeatedly calling ‘On, On’ to the straggling masses as they puffed and wheezed their way home.

Eventually we made it after a run that made Centaur’s usual trails seem like a stroll round King’s Meadow. If Paula Radcliffe had done it she would now be fit for the World Championships rather than having to sit them out through lack of fitness. Glitter Tits will now do three and a half minute miles at the Mortimer Fun Run. Motox is now two stones lighter and Piss Quick is coming off the Atkins Diet. One huge benefit to emerge is that Wally has no energy left for talking. I am confident that he will be quiet for at least the next month, so tell all your friends to come hashing NOW!

As for me, I’m knackered but glad that I did an excellent run set by three hares with stamina if nothing else!

On On. C5.

Down Downs

RA Motox presented the following. Potty observed the proceedings sat on – a potty, complete with receptacle for waste products underneath.

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