Annuals, Generals and Meeting People

Wouldn’t you know it! My last Gobsheet and the blasted dictaphone decided not to record. I’ll do this one from memory, with apologies to anyone who’s name I miss - Posh TT2 Hashgate GBH Fiddler Itsyor OldFart Potty Nutcracker BinBag HeyBabe Foghorn John PartyAnimal Cheating Florence Zebedee (and unknown friend) Jenny DutchCap Spot HitchHiker Claire Motox Mr & Mrs Blobby Utopia Hotlegs Chopstix Septic Dumper Cerberus Baldrick Dwight Julia and son Sam C5 C4 Honeymonster Glittertits PissQuick Muff SlipperyNipple Gutbucket HeadBoy Uplift Handful Lonely and dog Beaver TinOpener Miranda and dog Emma Dribbler Butterfly Lou Linda Ian Vicky Spex SlowSucker Flash

The AGM Hash

If Motox and Iceman went to Hogwarts the sorting hat would definitely put them in Slyttherin. Not only was the trail a twisting, serpentine path that enmeshed Theale in its writhing coils but that sneaky asp Motox tried to put us off the scent at the Circle by insisting that he only had to wade thigh-deep through water while laying the flour. Difficult to believe a BH³ grandee of his standing would tell us such a load of old cobras! Still, he was stepping down after a couple of fine years as RA so I guess we’ll let him off.

The early, tarmac part of the trail nearly saw PartyAnimal disappear down a rather deep hole in the path. Unfortunately, he managed to stop in time but not before his glasses hit the ground and cracked one lense. He cleaned them up and slid them back on. Which was rather alarming since he now seemed to have three eyes. The other problem was that he now had white spots before at least one of his eyes and he tottered off unsteadily, away from the pack, calling ‘On On’ at non-existent flour blobs. We let him go. It seemed a kindness. Quite a lot of tarmac came and went as we twisted back on ourselves quite regularly. The well-known M4 footbridge came into view… and then went, as Motox and Iceman teased us like a pair of strippers just hitching up that diaphanous negligee enough to show a hint of buttock before covering up quickly and giggling. Um. If anyone wants to be sick after that description I’ll wait here…

All done? Let’s continue. PissQuick was daft enough to utter the opinion, near to me, that, “Tonight’s run is quite fast.” while strolling casually through an estate. It certainly was for SlowSucker, who I managed to send in entirely the wrong direction as we searched for the On. He needs the exercise. We eventually got over the M4 and I followed young Gutbucket by the back of the Porsche garage until we hit a blasted heath. Zeb, Itsyor and I certainly called it something like that after we had run all over it in a vain attempt to find the trail which artfully doubled back on itself and sent us up a steepish hill. I fell in with Lou and Linda who told me Simon is resting his legs prior to some daft running competition (can you believe people pay to compete?!) and Cerberus who told me Premature (yes, you Premature!) is being a complete prat by not getting his injured knee looked at. ‘Nuff said!

After a fearsomely long run for some: C5, Gutbucket, Slowsucker, me etc we met certain other people: OldFart, Linda, Lou etc who had sneaked a shortcut and we all popped out on to the top of a hill where that solitary brick chimney-like object points silently upwards against the stunning backdrop of the darkening sky. Hotlegs and I shimmied down there to stand in the middle of it. “It’s a folly. Is it not.” I said rhetorically, looking up into it’s belly. “Certainly is.” He agreed. C5 arrived. “This is a big chimney.” He observed. “It’s a folly.” We responded. HeyBabe leapt in to join us. “Wonder what this building used to be?” She queried breezily. “It’s…a…bleedin’…folly!” Hotlegs and I screamed, hurtling from it and ripping downhill as fast as we could. Of course, it wasn’t long before we all went back over the other M4 footbridge and met certain other Hashers: Butterfly and Dribbler for instance, who seemed to have got there suspiciously quickly. Still, it was nice to chat to various people and I found myself behind Lonely and Beaver, being led through the tall grass by Motox with TinOpener and Miranda loping along on the other side of the fence. Across the footie pitch in the deepening gloom and TT2 appeared. He was running well for a seventy year old. The fact that he’s actually much younger speaks volumes about his raffish, decadent lifestyle with its rumours of embrocation abuse, leg-hair topiary and extreme fish-bondage experiments. I digress. We met up with the lost boys of C5, Mr. Blobby and (I think) Spot and proceeded to frighten the natives by hurtling up the High Street and into the pub car park with all the speed of a bunch of OAPs leaning on the door of the Post Office at 9 o’clock on pension day.

A damn fine Hash Motox and Iceman. It stretched the legs, confused us and got us back right on time for the AGM…

…which was hosted by our GM, Foghorn who was standing next to a Cheating-created son et lumiere of the year’s Hashing in projected photographs. In the background waited a magnificent array of foodstuffs organised by Glittertits which was probably why no-one disagreed with anything during the reports, the election of officers and particularly the presentation of the accounts by Lonely, who is now (entirely co-incidentally) actively seeking property purchase in Barbados and Monte Carlo. Spex or the website will be able to tell you the full roll of committee members since I was fast asleep during the elections. However, I do look forward to the pink, frilly sweatshirts that new Hash Haberdash Hitch(should that be ‘kitsch’)Hiker is looking forward to designing.

…And Finally. Au Revoir.

The good ship HashgateGobsheet was launched in September 1999. It has raced many a rapid, forged through turbulent waters, navigated uncharted seas, never hit the doldrums and is now finally bumping gently against the shore ready for some barnacle scraping and a bit of rust removal. Yes; this is my last Gobsheet as the official BH³ Scribe and I have to say it has been a pleasure writing them for you. I hope you have enjoyed reading them. The job was certainly made easy by the nature of the subject. The Hash has more colourful characters and events than a Dickens novel so I was never stuck for content. Something always happens – Glittertits memorably falling down a rabbit hole, Greenfly wearing a huge, knitted wool hat to keep his head warm, Lonely drinking an awful concoction at a Christmas run, any of the Red Dress Runs, Lemming at any time!

One of the perks of the job was sitting in my study typing up the details when the event I was reporting would start a humorous idea. It might come tip-toeing to my mental door and knock timidly. It might leap straight through the window wearing a mirrored suit and smoking a large cigar. It might stand quietly behind me while I finished a section, then tap me on the shoulder and whisper in my ear. However it announced itself I would often burst out laughing at the thought, write it all down, read it. Then burst out laughing again. My family have got used to the maniac in the study. Any visitors who hear the cackling are informed blandly by Motormouth, “It’s ok. Dad’s writing the Gobsheet.”

It’s difficult to pick out any favourite Gobsheets since they all spark off a memory. But if you are wandering through the BH³ website you might like to take a look at the following:- click on links to follow (Iceman)

1235 – ‘A Splendid Hash’ with the description of TT2’s new Mercedes.
1251 – ‘The Remembrance Sunday Run’ which includes some splendid Haiku poetry.
1258 – ‘The Most Successful Hash This Year’ just makes me laugh. Read and enjoy.
1271 – ‘The Eggs Files’. A Mulder and Scully special.
1294 – ‘A Stormy Voyage’. BH³ makes heavy weather of it.
1321 - ‘A Run Down the Frog and Toad’ with details of Itsyor and Fiddler’s trail laying technique.
1337 – ‘The Berkshire Air Ambulance Hash’ as seen by the ghost of a WWII pilot.

But I guess the most original and the one I like to re-read and would write additional text for, given half a chance, would be 1233 – ‘Charlotte Brontë – My Introduction to Hashing’.

I’ve enjoyed it. I hope you have. See you at the Hash.
On On. Hashgate.

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