Santa’s Little Helpers

Hamlet, Iceman, Spot, BGB, Hashgate, Ms Whiplash, Miranda and dog Emma, Hitchhiker, Poppy Penis, Mrs Blobby, Chopsticks, Shaginajog, Posh, Bomber, Mother, Lemming, Bob, Spex, Pissquick, Glittertits, Slipperynipples, Foghorn, Lonely and Beaver, Dribbler, Madame Butterfly, Le Voisin, 2 Bob, Puddleduck, Honeymonster, Flash, Muff, Tinopener, C5, Dutchcap, Cloggs, Non-stick, Motox, Effing, Call Girl, Wally, Septic, The Tremblers, Potty, Judith, Claire, Gulbucket, Dumper and Slowsucker

Hares

Zebedee and Florence

LUNCH GUESTS: C4, Cynthia, Mrs Muff, Old Dog, Somebody’s granny.

Where’s Wally?

Arriving punctually as usual, your scribe’s bacon was saved by Bomber (a very superior sort of Hasher) as his batteries had died during the week. Bomber naturally had a spare – designer brand of course – to go along with his designer stubble (Posh likes a bit of rough apparently).

With reels whirring it was possible to record many rare winter visitors including The Tremblers, recently returned from Australia (before the World Cup – Are they mad?). The assembly was milling around like a badly dressed Santacon (an organized gathering of people dressed as Santa Claus) with many a fine hat. To add to the festivity Wally was voted Snowman though he looked more like one of those scene of crime officers – the crime in this case was a particularly offensive pair of red Lycra bike shorts. If you’re going to wear red Lycra, can I say Cloggs sporting a fine pair of jogging bottoms knows how to carry it off.

Bank manager, Zebedee, and fellow hare, Florence, (his significant other, I believe) introduce the Hash to special checks (though blank checks might be better for my finances!) where goodies could be found.

Off we raced up the hill with the usual suspects keen to get their hands on the spoils. Hamlet was first to find a rather lovely lurex top though it barely fitted over his head. After a fine false into Ufton Court and then a wonderful long detour bringing us back – yep, the other side of the false, we gathered around a hollow tree until Hashgate discovered the booty.

If one rated a hash by the speed with which the Hares can lose Wally, this one was fantastic, as he soon disappeared into a wood not to be seen again till much much later. As he was dressed in an all over white jumpsuit this was some feat. We did call ‘On back’ – honest!

Hashgate by this time had now acquired a rather nice cot toy and a red t-shirt. This caused him to pause to adjust his dress and allowed yet another notorious FRB, BGB to snaffle the chocolates on offer at the Regroup.

He generously shared out his ‘chocolate balls’ with fellow hashers. Spot who was plotting the trail revealed his true nature at this point – 100% Polyester (and apparently he should be kept away from fire).

Zebedee sent us on our way again after explaining that there were shortcuts, shortcuts best not taken, medium cuts and the other way – this led to a Bar 5 at the bottom of a hill and then back to the interesting looking style that Iceman and Slowsucker had failed to investigate properly. Despite some confusion over an F shaped blob, Glittertits and Muff found the next check and the crown hidden there, though like the fabled glass slipper it only fitted the fragrant Posh and very smart she looked in it.

At this stage, BGB, Hamlet and Motox raced into the distance never to be seen again, leaving the rest of us to enjoy the trail. We crossed a field of horses and followed the canal (river) for a while. We declined the whimsical offer from the Hares of a swim across a raging torrent and led by Bomber briefly and then Iceman chased a long trail across open fields to the final regroup.

The pack was smartly reversed by the old psychological ploy of laying the trail down the road not down the alluring looking footpath opposite – Hashgate, Slowsucker and Iceman duly found the false much to the glee of hare Zebedee.

We set off on one last long trail to the On inn up the hill, arriving back at the Hall at the same time as the walkers and Short Cutters.

THE XMAS LUNCH

A visit to the soup kitchen was followed by a splendid meal. Entertainment was provided by Madame Butterfly and Puddleduck (surely too young to be playing with an organ); soloists Non-stick, Glittertits (dubious words) and Le Voisin (problems with his upper set); Dribbler with a rendition of Sunshine Mountain and finally, Santa who dispensed gifts to all (sorry to be a spoil sport – it was Foggy – a relieved man now that the ‘Foggy’ look-alike, Saddam, has finally been captured).

DOWN DOWNS

Bob – Perpetual walker roused to a sprint.

Lonely and Slowsucker – Discussing hair dye.

Various Harriets – Pillaging

AWARDS

9 for various numbers of runs

OTHERS TOO MANY TO REMEMBER FROM HASH HISTORY

UP AND COMING

Run No Date Grid Ref. Venue Hares

01/01/04 645644 TheTurner’s Arms Motox

Mortimer

1363 04/01/04 822794 The Seven Stars Cerberus Knowle Hill Premature