Confused, of Wokingham

Iceman Lemming Mother Theresa Lemming’s dad Hashgate Dumper Septic C5 Honeymonster Baldrick Dutch Donut The Tremblers Jayke TinOpener Miranda and Emma the dog Foghorn Potty Nutcracker TurdTreader Bomber Posh Twanky Blowjob Caboose Pinky Jon OldFart Itsyor Fiddler Motox PissQuick Glittertits Effin OldDog SlackBladder ShutupWally and dog Bonnie Robert Peter Nick Karen Lonely Flash Krystyna Florence Handful Ross NonStick Cloggs

A Walk In The Park… if only

“I’m not sure it’s long enough.” Mused Hare Cerberus as she eyed up husband Premature and chewed speculatively on a hot cross bun. She was, of course, referring to the trail they had laid rather than impugning his reputation. In fact, the trail length was more than enough to satisfy even the most voracious Hasher leaving them gasping, sweaty and exhausted, ready for a lie-back, a fag and a swab down with a mopful of Dettol. In common with previous Cerberus/Premature trails this had the longevity of a ShutupWally ‘conversation’ and the labrynthine confusion of John Prescott answering a question in Parliament. A pretty good Hash then, and started off well at the Gather Round when Dumper presented Lemming with an orange jumpsuit covered in ‘Beware’ signs to ensure people knew he was about when mud or water was nearby. This didn’t stop several people getting covered in shiggy by the orange elf during the course of the day including Donut, Dumper, Foghorn and Blowjob.

A map of today's route

A slight innovation on the Hash was the use of the occasional 3-way check instead of the standard circle. As Itsyor said later, “When in doubt, take the middle option.” Sage advice, and it certainly worked a couple of times. More sagacity was offered by our resident Hash expert, Motox, as we beasted through woods. However, the Hares foxed even him to such an extent that he agreed he had ‘lost it’. Though he later said he had ‘found it’, only to ‘lose it’ again. Iceman, Fiddler and OldFart also ‘lost it’ down a long, mud-filled track with an ‘F’ set far down it. Like many others, it was a long way back and legs were beginning to tire. Still, we hurtled onwards until, thank goodness, we hit the Regroup by a little stream whereupon Foghorn took to rinsing out his hair (following a Lemming mud-raid) because, he said camply, “I’m worth it.”. Honeymonster did attempt to creep up behind him to ‘assist’ but the wily Foghorn skipped away like a startled (dripping) pheasant. The orange Lemming arrived,covered in shiggy from an earlier friendly dunking and puddle drag-through by Foghorn and a few eager helpers. Scooping up two handfuls of sloppy mud, he approached BlowJob from the rear. She was chatting to Twanky who also seemed oblivious to the impending mini-menace which suddenly leapt forward like a rabid orang(e)-utang and slapped the shiggy on her neck and cheeks. Poor BlowJob took it well, despite appearing to have suddenly grown a drippy, black beard. Lemming was paid back when Dumper turned up with a container full of water that he poured over him. A flushed Florence dropped by and started asking various gentlemen to take off their clothes. Her thinly disguised excuse was that it was too hot to wear very much – it was obvious to everone else that the sap was rising…

We staggered off from the Regroup, leaden legs stumping through the forest, Itsyor and Fiddler kindly leading us to the first False from the 3-way Check (it wasn’t the middle option!) before we hauled ourselves up a long, long track where Iceman and I were amused by the name of the pork products company we passed – WYSIPIG. Us sad computer people find that kind of thing very funny.

I could tell I was getting knackered since I greeted a group of four bemused walkers by the golf course with a smily “Good evening!” before leading Robert on a wild goose chase down a forest path in entirely the wrong direction. It always amazes me how fast the pack disappears towards the horizon when I’ve have done that and it was a bit of a race to catch up with TinOpener, SlackBladder et al who were standing around in amazement as they and the rest of the Pack met Krystyna and Miranda walking out of the forest towards them while Premature urged them down the forest track from whence the two Hashettes had just emerged! We found out why. The trail wiggled around amongst the thickets, bike trails and soggy ground before re-emerging back on the track we had left. Our group was variously led by Itsyor, Fiddler, Iceman, Foghorn, C5, Lonely, OldFart - none of whom had any idea where we were going and who were variously caught out by Falses or Bars. I eventually fetched up with Glittertits to check out a possible when we saw SlackBladder ahead shouting ‘No’. That confused us so we took off after the rest of the sheep who were trotting across a field after Itsyor. We passed by Florence who was asking C5 if he wanted to remove his trousers. Once again we passed Krystyna, then Jon, SlackBladder, OldDog. We missed out the final loop because we were too fagged out to go back and I eventually caught up with Karen who, being a Reading Road Runner, was far out front and we passed a pleasant five minutes chatting as we passed by a running (!) Flash who was pelting hell-for-leathern back to the pub.

So, yes, Cerberus. It was long enough. Also challenging, tortuous, circuitous, convoluted, complicated, confusing, enjoyable, good fun. And certainly long enough. Thanks guys.

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Dumper presented the following :-

To Motox. It was full of sheep hucky! His pint was downed as rapidly as usual

Up and Coming

Grand Skittles Evening

Saturday April 23^rd at 19:30. Venue is the Civil Service Club, James Lane, Burghfield. Gridref: 675676. Cost £7.50 to include chicken or scampi and chips. Drinks are sensibly priced. Skittles winner keeps the BH³ cup for the year! What could be more enticing?