Short, Medium and Longs

Iceman Hashgate Premature Cerberus and a brace of red setters Simple DunnyStumbler Soreskin Gabby Kat ShutupWally with dog Bonnie Dutch Donut Hamlet Mr and Mrs Blobby Utopia Uplift SlowSucker Chopstix Foghorn Claire Ms Whiplash Mafia Spex LoudonTasteless The DragonLady Honeymonster Baldrick Caboose TinOpener C5 Handful Ross Cloggs NonStick OldFart Motox Glittertits PissQuick PoisonedChalice ShitShoveller Cheating Itsyor Spot Florence Zebedee Dumper Lonely Mafia

Tremblers’ Hash Race

Following a minor touch of criticism at the brevity of Trembler’s last Hash he decided to make up for it with this trail, he said at the Gather Round. With a twinkle in his eye he announced in his Scottish burr that there would not only be a Short trail but a Medium and a Long too, the latter challenging enough for even SlowSucker. He paused while this sank in and a collective groan issued from the assembled mass. Certain sections of the Hash turned a delicate shade of green. This just wasn’t cricket. One of Premature/Cerberus’s red setters summed up the Hash feeling physically by refusing to leave the comfy rear of their car. That is, until Premature dragged the poor creature out, gave it a good shoeing and a threat of no bone for a week. It was interesting to note that Cerberus uttered a wistful sigh that said “if only” as she heard her husband…

Since Trembler had laid a fearfully long Long trail on his moped (largely without any Checks) most of my time was spent desperately trying to keep up with Zebedee, SlowSucker, NonStick, Itsyor, Iceman, Glittertits, C5 (sorry if I missed out any FRBs; my vision was blurred) et al as we raced pell mell across open country and along serious tracts of uphill tarmac. I worked out that we sucked in/blew out enough air to fill the QE2 twice, burned 42,000 calories and three of us would have had heart attacks but we were too busy to have ‘em. My knowledge of what happened on the Short, Medium and Long trails behind us is negligible so apologies for not mentioning most people in this Gobsheet. Listening to the recording machine tells the tale of this Hash race. Instead of the usual Oxbridge diction and quotes such as “Glittertits has fallen down a rabbit hole… again”; “ShutupWally’s being a pain in the neck”; “Jolly fine pair of knockers on (name and address supplied)”; “Think I sprained me willy when I tripped over just then” etc there’s damn all in the way of coherent news and a whole lot of heavy breathing, gasping and moaning. Rather like a third-rate porn film – “Deep Hash” or something similar.

So rather than bore you with a description of the race I thought I would take a look at some of the running styles of our Hashers. In case anyone feels picked on please feel free to comment on my own lithe, silky, thoroughbred running skills…

Zebedee – a maniac bounding bank manager with very fast leg speed and hands kept low to get away rapidly /push off oncoming tackles from irate customers.

Mrs Blobby and Utopia – a serene, energy-saving style punctuated with frequent walks to catch up on the gossip. Often wear similar clothes to make identification difficult. Not sure why.

Cheating – When he actually follows the trail he walks until he hears the FRBs coming, then screams off for 50 metres like his arse is on fire. At 51 metres he’s had enough so disappears into the bushes to park a few tigers.

Florence – This gal has some exceptionally well sculpted calves and a lot more stamina than might appear. Keeps her fingers and thumbs together and pointing backwards as she runs. Makes me think of ducks – not Florence, just her hands.

Motox – Indeed like a mighty ox powering his way through the forest. Pity the poor sap(ling) that stands in his way.

Iceman – Doesn’t hang about. It pays not to run directly in front of him as he issues blood-draining banshee wails when he finds flour. This has been known to ensure filled tracksuit bottoms for anyone unlucky enough to be there when he lets one go… as it were.

Spex – A delicate bird of a girl. Skitters and hops along delightfully. Easily frightened if one approaches quietly from the rear then screams “On On!!!” directly behind her. Doesn’t ever run in front of Iceman.

Lonely – this one will run and run. Although there’s more meat on a butcher’s pencil his lissom frame clocks up more mileage than your average greyhound.

Dutch – Does not run. Sensible girl. Always nicely turned out. Good buns.

Simple – Large fellow. Known to have braking problems so best not to stop in front of him unless you want every bone in your body broken and tread marks on your back. Wears a strap round one knee in the vain hope that his willy will grow that long. No chance.

Cloggs – Interesting “chucking each foot forward” style. Covers a lot of ground. Not her body, her running method.

Baldrick – Appears to be sitting down and running. When not smashing into wires and hurling himself to the ground can run very well.

Ms Whiplash – Has never knowingly run

C5 – Runs far better than his namesake but still has to pedal occasionally.

LoudonTasteless – For a long time pretended not to be able to run. Now steams along like it’s Thursday night when Spex wears the squeaky rubber gear and chases him up to the bedroom with a big leather paddle.

Trembler – a leading exponent in the art of Sumo Hashing. Thank God he doesn’t wear just those big thongs on the Hash.

Oh, and thanks for laying the trail Trembler. Next time may we have a short one please?

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Dumper presented the following :-

Dunny just inched it but Foghorn was going to be driving

Up and Coming