What A Lot Of People There Were

ShitShoveller Twanky Hashgate Simple DunnyStumbler Bomber Posh Snowballs Potty Nutcracker TurdTreader Spex LoudonTasteless David Mervyn Iceman C5 ShutupWally Dutch Donut Septic Dumper Itsyor OldFart TinOpener Lilo and dog Emma Incider and dogs Kundun and Baldrick(!) Motox PissQuick Glittertits Spot SillyCow Mark Viv(renamed ArthriticTit) Andrew Yankit WetConnection Mr & Mrs Blobby Uplift Utopia OldDog SlackBladder Handful Florence Lonely with dog Beaver and daughter Helen Flash Foghorn Eric the Viking Diane Penny Barry Viv Ann ScarletPimpernel Abi Helena Cheating Zebedee BGB Whinge TC Steamer Canoeist Andrew Andrew (there were two of ‘em)

A Surprisingly Short Trail… For Some

Before all else I must thank my learnèd friend LoudonTasteless for setting right my uneducated faux pas from a couple of weeks ago when we ran from The Pineapple at Ashford Hill. I had snorted with written derision at the pub sign that clearly pictured a pine cone, showing an ignorance usually associated with a member of the lower orders, e.g. a Fulham supporter. Loudon displayed avuncular headmasterly restraint and the kindly tolerance of an incandescant beacon of the cognoscenti compared with the dull sputter of a mental turf fire when awarding me a Down Down, a pineapple and a pine cone in front of the largest BH³ crowd for some time. The truth is, you see, that “a pineapple, which is the fruit of the ananas, is so named because of its resemblance to an unopened pine cone, the cone being the fruit, or "apple" of the pine tree”. Thank goodness there’s at least one educated person on the Hash.

Zebedee and I had been looking forward to this Hash (to be laid by two ‘proper’ runners) with all the free-wheeling joy associated with a trip to a dentist, who has a nasty nervous hand twitch, for some extensive root canal work. Why? Because we had taken part in the Tough Guy Nettle Warrior the day before, this being slightly more exhausting than a walk in the park – see www.toughguy.co.uk for details. Great fun it may be but the next day you tend to feel like a wet sheet that’s been through a mangle – stiff and ready to be hung out to dry. However, Zebedee is obviously on some form of illicit medication since he not only did the Long Trail but burned in first with Eric the Viking… before staggering over to his car in a fair imitation of Methuselah at his 969^th birthday bash.

Despite, or perhaps because of, the Hares loadsa people turned up at the Hash including Yankit and WetConnection from USA. The most unexpected were Whinge and TC who we haven’t seen for over a year. Whinge confirmed (while rolling a fag) that the fine balance of his ultimate athleticism necessitates a limitation to the elite events he graces with his presence. Quite understandable. In fact he did lead the Short Trailers for a while, bounding through the forest like a roe deer on springs – well, for some of the time. In fact, it was Potty who saved the Short Trailers from absolute disaster. That fool Hashgate had somehow blundered on to the Out trail and if it had not been for Potty querying the call of ‘On On’ with a Brummy, “Yow’ve gone the wrong wey, yow hev. Theer’s a considerably bitter trayl awver theer.” We would have been stuffed. It also helped that we bumped into Steamer, who was running towards us, having arrived late due to an exhaust bracket failure and a missed a turn on the Out trail. Lucky for us. However, I nearly had to give him a serious bit of a shoeing since, after I had been kind enough to commiserate with him on his generally bad day and car problems and run with him to be friendly we got back to the car park where he loftily informed me, “You run quite well for an old chap.” The cheeky b_***er. Any time you want a race, Steamer. Any time at all…

Perhaps I’d better tell you a little of the Hash before I run out of paper. The entire massed ranks burst On Out to the tarmac, Mrs Blobby and Utopia flashing past in a blur and Incider being dragged along by her two eager dogs like and ancient Roman in a chariot (of course, I don’t mean to imply that Incider is ancient. Far from it, heh heh. I… Omigod. When in a hole stop digging). The Hares were using road to get us to the woodland and Lonely and I enjoyed their joke loop that led us up on to an embankment, across it, then back down the other side to end up where we started. How we laughed. We eventually got into some rather damp forest where Beaver (Lonely’s fine dog) showed us why he was thus named by joyously inspecting every deep, filthy puddle we came to before sliding into each with an eye-rolling ecstasy that would have been envied by any aspiring porn star. After one particularly disgusting submersion and run to catch up with the Pack Snowballs (running behind us) frightened everyone by shouting a warning, “Watch out! There’s a wet beaver behind you!” There’s always one isn’t there? It was around this time that Viv had a conversation with Glittertits (tonight’s RA) that resulted in her naming. According to Glitter, Viv mentioned that she thought she might have a spot of arthritis in one of her, erm, funbags and had tried waggling it about to reduce the symptoms but with no effect. Bit silly saying this to the RA and expecting to get away with it. However, she took her flour and beer baptism very well and is now a fully-named BH³ Hasher. So, with Glitter and Arthritic you could say we have a right pair…

We sped swiftly and not very silently through the slippery undergrowth and it’s worth mentioning that one of tonight’s virgins, Mervyn, made the same mistake as his friend David when he Hashed for the first time recently, by leading the FRBs. He too found himself wondering what on earth he was supposed to be doing and sensibly dropped back into a less conspicuous rôle before fetching up at the Regroup with the rest of us. This turned into a series of forest ‘chat rooms’ with little groups of Hashers discussing the weather, can Italy back out of the Euro, why does that dirty, wet dog have to shake himself next to me. I chatted with Foghorn who had been due to be at the Tough Guy over the weekend but (allegedly due to lack of teammate support) had spent the time getting drunk and running about. It sounded like a better option. ShutupWally roundly abused me for going on the Short Trail with, among others, Uplift who rather strangely stated that ShutupWally was her best friend. Her pupils didn’t look dilated, no obvious puncture marks on the arms, no pungent whiff of skunk about her (well not much). I assumed she was having a moment of Hash-induced mania. A plimsoll full of mud later seemed to calm her down. So I am unable to report on the Long Trail, just the dilapidated state of the FRBs et al as they trailed in to the car park looking damp and knackered while Whinge and I enjoyed our pints and relaxed. It was quite fun watching, especially when Lilo managed not to see the dirty great big tarmac speed hump and tripped over it. Mrs Blobby and Utopia had the cheek to call us Shortcutters as they sailed serenely in. I have to say that the idea of running a Short Trail and getting back to the pub before everyone else gets to the bar is a cracking idea. Might do a bit more if it.

Our thanks to Hares Centaur and Dwight. This one wasn’t their usual ultra-Hash trail and wandered through some fine shiggy and forest. Thanks chaps. On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Glittertits presented the following :-

Damn fine effort all round

Dutch passed on The Sheep to Spex to take to Prague for the week.

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