More Dead Than (A)Live

Blowjob Hashgate VIV Geoff Blowjob(OH³ version) Foghorn PoisonedChalice Lucy ScarletPimpernel Abi Potty Nutcracker Peter Robert(glad they were both there – I can’t name them the wrong way round) Simple DunnyStumbler AboyNamedSue (from Cyprus) Honeymonster Snowballs Posh Bomber Whinge TC Iceman Cloggs NonStick Dave Phil OldFart Itsyor Fiddler Centaur Motox Glittertits PissQuick Mr Blobby Utopia HeyBabe CIAC ArthriticTit SillyCow Anne Twanky OldDog SlackBladder SlowSucker BGB Zebedee Dutch Donut Lilo TinOpener and dog Emma Florence Butterfly Dribbler Caboose John David Mervyn Nichola Luke(aka Frank Lampard) Shirley John Flash

Ladybird

I’m sure all of us who know Ladybird from Oxford Hash wish him a full and speedy recovery from a recent, serious operation which, I’m pleased to say, seems to have been successful. Ladybird is one of those larger-than-life characters and, true to form, when Florence and Zebedee went to visit him in hospital they were told he was in the pub nearby! He didn’t know quite why or exactly where he was but, true to Hashing form, he had gravitated automatically to a place guaranteed to set him on the path to recuperation.
On On Ladybird – we look forward to seeing you again soon.

Hamlet’s Live Trail

I blame it on Mr Blobby. Instead of his usual smug, testosterone roar into the car park with a car full of rampant totty he poodled in with just the one, Utopia, tonight’s chick of choice. The stand-in GM, realising that Utopia finds it impossible to run without someone who is wearing the same style of top (usually Mrs Blobby) picked on me, since my T-shirt matched, and roped us together by right and left leg respectively at the Gather Round. I have to say it’s quite a pleasant (if ineluctable – a word for Motox ) experience to be lashed to a lady and we managed a creditable and fulfilling 80 metres or so without doing a Baldrick. Utopia very kindly offered to tie me up any time in the future although Tuesdays are out due to her “Whist and Wincarnis” meetings at the Day Care Centre. And speaking of the stand-in GM, this was Glittertits who, in the absence of GM Spex and co-RA Dumper made his bid for supreme power by performing both rôles. There was a certain amount of strutting and eye-glittering; a bead of perspiration on the brow and a minor tic by the mouth as the voice rose an octave – “You vill velcome wirgins Phil unt Dave. Der trail tonide vill be life…” He paused for dramatic effect then increased the volume. “Unt zer vill be no shtopping until you haf overrun der entire countryside. On Out! On Out! On Out!” And his right arm twitched convulsively upwards before he managed to convert it to a wave. Phew! Frightening to watch. Come back Spex.

While this was going on Hamlet had strapped on his camel pack, smoked a couple of ‘em and disappeared into the undergrowth to spread confusion and flour in equal proportions.

I really should have stayed hitched to Utopia since the first major Check gave us so much trouble we stood around scratching our heads for some time watching Glittertits and Simple return from a fruitless quest in one direction, David and John from another. Even the more sedentary Hashers managed an ambling search since we had so much time. Dutch confided that this was ‘my kind of Hash’ – a slow ramble in the warm weather with plenty of people to chat to. Even walking wounded Dribbler, wearing the kind of trouser braces favoured by Charlie Carolli and friends, had caught up with us. We eventually found another Check on what looked like an overgrown golf course and Zebedee sprang out of nowhere – Booiinnnggg! Time for a blob. We found one and the Hash set off purposefully like bloodhounds on the trail; bloodshot eyes, hangdog expressions, a few big ears and at least one OldDog. We reached a little stream which young Luke, our resident water boy, splashed across delightedly and SillyCow (living up to her name) offered to lie down in it so we could walk across her. What a splendid woman. In fact, we had come further along it than Hamlet had expected so we found ourselves running backwards along the trail we saw on the other side and had to reverse in a jumbled mess of shouting, cursing, sweating – the usual Hash things.

We eventually caught up with a hot Hamlet at the Regroup and Whinge assured everyone that he had got there first due to his supreme fitness, athleticism and youth of spirit. Ok Whinge. Mind you, it’s his second Hash on the trot and he reckons he’ll make it a third next week. It was actually very warm and various people, Simple especially, were actually steaming. A bit bizarre considering the temperature. Hamlet disappeared again and shortly after, Glittertits (yet again!) announced the Long and Short trails. Had we known that the Long involved a muscle-sapping pasting through several miles of Pamber Forest we might have thought twice about it. As it was I followed ScarletPimpernel and Abi before being passed by the sprinting Luke. There was nothing for it; I had to show him youth and exuberance were no match for age and worn cartilage and streamed past him like a greyhound (maybe that should be grey hound). That’ll teach the little fellow.

After a very fast and very long run where we seemed to get just about every Check right (sadly) we caught up with Posh, Donut, Anne, Utopia, Butterfly et al and Mr Blobby, Zebedee, Glittertits and I proceeded to lead them in entirely the wrong direction down a bone-dry track with no perceptible flour. By this time dehydration and exhaustion were setting in and we just wanted to get back to the bloody pub for a blasted drink. But it was not to be. Various Hashers staggered and stumbled along the finally found trail, bouncing off trees and mumbling incoherently until a Short/Long split appeared. Aaarrgghh!! There was much wailing, gnashing of teeth and tearing of hair at this point and one or two sank earthwards sobbing “I can’t go on.” However, the mighty Motox motored on, ignoring what looked to me like a Bar but which he assured me was a “Three foot long blob.” We caught up with Foghorn and OldFart by a finely scripted ‘On Inn’. Thank crikey for that. We dragged our weary carcasses down a bit of tarmac and over towards the cars where I was surprised to see Caboose performing a few press-ups against a wooden rail. I hadn’t got him down as macho, muscle-obsessed beefcake. Still, you never can tell.

Well done, Hamlet. It was nice to have a live trail for a change. Not much time for a rest though was there? On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Glittertits presented the following :-

Fine effort by the lad

Up and Coming

Summer Walk

August 21^st at 10:45am sharp! Meet at Eversley church on A327 (Gridref 779610). Byo lunch or eat at the pub. Please confirm with BGB on 0118 979 0081