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The Royal Oak
Shurlock Row


Baldrick, Harry Potter

Wizards, Witches, Mud-bloods And Muggles

ShutupWally BlowJob Hashgate Peter Robert David Mervyn Richard Premature Potty Nutcracker Whinge TC Foghorn Chopstix ScarletPimpernel Lucy DunnyStumbler SlowSucker Matt(now renamed ToyBoy) OldFart HitcHiker Spot Twanky Donut Dutch Ms Whiplash PoisonedChalice Spex Posh Bomber LoudonTasteless Dumper Septic C5 Heather TinOpener Cloggs Anushka Florence Motox Glittertits PissQuick Zebedee Nichola Luke Caboose Cheating

Harry Potter And The Half-Mud Prints

Harry Potter smiled contentedly at the assorted collection of wizards, witches, mud-bloods and Muggles who had gathered at The Royal Oak which was doubling as The Leaky Cauldron. The Ministry of Magic had only allowed this unusual mixture of magic folk and selected Muggles at this location since it was impossible to either apparate here or use the floo network and this was one place the Knight Bus did not stop. Thus, it should not attract Muggle attention. The house-elf, Baldrick, stood by Harry’s side hopping eagerly from one foot to the other, his ragged clothes spotted with flour. “Baldrick would be happy to lay more trail for his master, Mr Harry Potter. He has much flour left over. If Mr Harry Potter is unhappy with the work Baldrick will throw himself under a car. Or out of a window.” He began to bang his head resolutely on the nearest kerb until Harry stopped him. Nearby, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle (David, Mervyn and Richard) skulked, talking quietly among themselves in surprisingly good mood. Hagrid (Foghorn) stomped good-naturedly around, stopping to talk with twins Fred and George (Robert and Peter) and Ron and Hermione (Bomber and Posh). Hagrid had lent his ferocious three-headed dog, Fluffy (Beaver) to Dumbledore (Lonely) to guard him, using Harry’s Invisibility Cloak to hide two of his heads. Rita Skeeter (Hashgate), reporter from The Daily Prophet stood to one side taking notes for no doubt another scurrilous front page exposé. Everyone had previously followed Dumbledore’s advice and visited Madam Malkin’s shop in Diagon Alley to buy what the Muggles called ‘running kit’. The magic folk were unused to the concept of running since most could see little point in physical exercise when a spell could get you quickly from one place to the other. Consequently, some of the outfits were highly amusing and colourful – Madame Pomfrey (Chopstix) was wearing some kind of rugger shirt and dark workman’s trousers. Professor McGonagall (Spex) called on everyone to form a Magic Circle and began to speak in her authoritative way. “I realise many of you would prefer a good game of Quidditch but someone…” she glared round the listening crowd, “…has stolen the Golden Snitch,” Malfoy sniggered behind his hand, “and the Ministry has expressly forbidden the game in Muggle territory. Which is why,” She continued sternly as Ron shushed his owl, Pigwidgeon, away, “we shall tonight be Hashing. And woe betide anyone found with a wand in their hand!” She looked pointedly at Kreacher (Whinge) another house elf known for his insistent whining and complaining.

The group On Outed, as the Muggles called it, with Ginny (Donut) trying to slow Rita by forcing Rita’s hand into her running top and Madame Pomfrey adding to the distraction by trying to knock the wing mirror off the car of he-who-must-not-be–named (ShutupWally). Fortunately for her, the Dark Lord was already ahead, spreading more depression to those he spoke to than any Dementor in Azkaban. The group trotted across a field filled with centaurs cunningly disguised as horses where Neville (Spot), fearing that they were really blast-ended skrewts, carefully ensured Rita was between him and them until they reached the gate at the end of the field. Malfoy tried to show off by rolling over the gate but it proved to be loose which gave several a laugh. Even more so when he-who-must-not-be–named tried the same and almost fell off it. Mad-eye Moody (LoudonTasteless) showed his encyclopaedic knowledge of pineapples by stating that they can actually eat you, if you don’t eat them first.

A long, long run led by Mr Filch (SlowSucker) closely followed by his dust coloured cat Mrs Norris (ToyBoy), Rita and Nearly Headless Nick (OldFart) came to nothing across an even dustier field when no ‘F’ could be found and they had to rush back. More than one Cruciatus Curse was half-muttered as they stumbled back over the rough clods of earth. A further long spell of running saw everyone at the Regroup where they were met by a Boggart smoking a cigarette and leering by a fence. Harry was tempted to use the ‘Riddikulus’ Boggart banishing spell but remembered Professor McGonagall’s dire warning just in time. Filch firkled about in a nearby dustbin, finding half a house (Polly Pocket size) in the contents. Realising it was absolutely useless to him or anybody else he slouched off with Mrs Norris, leading almost everyone up the wrong trail and seriously undermining his credibility as a trustworthy care taker. On realising his mistake he took on the dazed appearance of someone attacked by a Wrackspurt, an invisible creature that floats in through the ears and makes the brain go fuzzy. This look has been seen before many times on Filch and did not appear unusual to any of the others with him.

A small group of lesser-known, youthful Gryffindors: Glittertits, DunnyStumbler and Iceman had luckily picked the right trail. According to rumour Iceman had recently recovered from some very bruised ribs following an attempt to feed a haggis to Hagrid’s hippogriff without first bowing to it. The large and fearsome creature had rightly taken offence and given him a well-deserved kick. Following this lesson Iceman now bows to every creature in the mistaken belief that it might beat him up. Thus, you can see him bowing to squirrels, hamsters, goldfish etc.

The crowd began to see why Harry had stopped the House Elf Baldrick from laying any more flour. The trail wound on for ages along forest paths, through woods, down roads and many would have glady parted with a few Galleons for a refreshing drink of butter beer at The Three Broomsticks. At least two more Long trails appeared and the flamboyant Gilderoy Lockhart’s (C5) hand strayed more than once towards his wand with the thought that he could simply apparate right into the hot, scented bath in his rooms at Hogwarts. Rita found herself with Mrs Norris, stumbling across a seriously pock-marked field that threatened to break an ankle at any moment. Mrs Norris skipped nimbly from clump to clump, rightfully showing the staggering Rita a clean pair of paws.

At long last, the trail began to come towards the end, although one last trial awaited the Long trailers as they ran cautiously past a Hungarian Horntail dragon masquerading as a combine harvester in a nearby field, raising a whirlwind of dust and chaff. Rita trotted past Kreacher on the final road. He was mentally whinging and cursing as he flopped along and could not resist the contrary impulse to race past the tiring Rita and into the pub car park where Glittertits was distributing Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans to the wilting crowd. Dumbledore took one graciously, placed it in his mouth and uttered with a grimace, “Alas, ear wax.”

A magical and lengthy trail Hares. Many thanks. On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Dumper presented the following :-



Style points


100 runs – congratulations!

I’ve seen better


Renamed ToyBoy

A fine effort, assisted by Ms. Whiplash and PissQuick


His birthday

Cake and ale downed rather well for an old boy


50 runs – congratulations also!

½ the beer was downed ok…

Harry Potter

50 runs for Harry – magic!
Tonight’s Hares

Rather a lot of spillage by Harry but we let him off


Dumper had a spare half

Rather worse than SlowSucker’s

Spex generously passed on the Sheep to Florence.

Up and Coming



Grid Reference






The Royal Oak
Bovingdon Green

Cheating and…
he can’t remember




St John’s Hall, Mortimer
* The AGM – volunteer for/nominate your Committee *

Mr Blobby