Not Real Runners

Snowballs Simple Hashgate Baldrick Hamlet and dog Chad OldDog SlackBladder Nina Iceman BlouseBlazer ShutupWally and dog Bonnie GnomeAlone Incider and dogs Baldrick and Kundun HotPants Gary BouncingCzech CheekyMonkey CIAC HeyBabe ShitShoveller Cheating Dribbler Kendell Mark Motox Quack Drexel and dog Maggie… and later Lonely Flash Butterfly

Flour? Must Be Some Somewhere

Firstly, our congratulations must go to all the BH³ Hashers who proved they can actually run is they want to by taking part in the Clarendon Way races. Absolutely top marks go to Spot(under 4 hours), C5 and Zebedee for running full marathons and to Florence for being second woman in the half marathon despite drinking the largest glass of red wine I’ve ever seen at Simple and Dunny’s party the night before. Even our revered GM, Spex, leathered her way round a relay leg – all smoking plimsolls and Paula Radcliffe head-nodding. Well done all!

Well done too to Simple who cycled the 13 miles to Hungerford despite a serious intake of alcoholic beverages and hot chilli, and a 2 o’clock bedtime, and knowing he would have to cycle 13 miles back! He pulled up blearily next to my car looking like a small grenade had exploded inside him and bits were still rocketing around trying to get out. Dunny apparently felt even worse and had decided to take a Hash rain check.

We had thought that today might be a small gathering but rather a lot of new people and returnees appeared including Nina, who we had met at ShutupWally’s Hash. She had been due to run a 10k race but decided driving an hour or so and running round our Hash was a much better idea. What an intelligent woman. Also with us was CheekyMonkey from Silicon Valley Hash and the aptly named HotPants – sporting one of the neatest pair of buns we’ve had at BH3. Er, not that our regular ladies don’t have neat buns. Ha ha. I, erm, when in a hole….

Despite Lilo’s protestations TinOpener had insisted that the 8½ mile trail (Gnomealone clocked it) would be fine for all us fast runners. How lucky we were that he won the argument… At least we could take comfort in the thought that the bu**er had had to run round it all himself. We started as we (were) meant to carry on – in a state of total confusion. Simple and I trotted over the canal bridge from the first Check even though we both figured the trail would probably go alongside the canal. Unfortunately, everyone followed and when we ran out of flour and couldn’t find an ‘F’ we all milled about baaing and bleating until Simple and I hit the canal trail and finally found flour. I say ‘finally’ because one of the main features of this Hash was the scarcity of blobs and the sheer distance between them. Which accounts for the age that it took us to find the trail when it veered off the towpath into a field where an ancient foreign gentleman with a walking stick and a grand moustache advised me cheerily in a thick East European accent to, “Horry op. You vill be lade. Hor. Hor.” Physically I grinned. Mentally I replied, “I hobe you vill enchoy shvimming in der duck poop.” As I hefted him on to my virtual shoulder prior to chucking him in the canal. Further on, BlouseBlazer and GnomeAlone missed the ghostlike Check beneath a tree which allowed the Pack to catch up and the Hare to ‘freshen’ the circle with a dribble of flour. We had a few of these, the assumption being that creatures had probably nibbled (or nobbled) the trail overnight.

We trotted on in the bright sunshine and fresh breeze, realising that we were running through some truly stunning countryside – rolling swathes of fields, inquisitive horses in paddocks, Berkshire Downs slanting upwards. Coo; it was rather nice. That is until Iceman, Gnomealone and I hit a four-way Check between the corners of a number of fields. Unfortunately, both Iceman and I tried the paths that had no flour on at all. Most galling. And not helped by Cheating standing on the Check as we pantingly returned, shouting, “You don’t want to go that way you fools. It’s over here.” All he needed was Harry Enfield’s character’s cap, golf sweater, fists on hips, glasses and silly expression saying, “Now I don’t think you wanted to do that!” He got the silly expression right anyway.

Simple and I staggered up a hill towards a reflective TinOpener, tch, tch’ing and tapping his watch. “The Regroup’s just down there and there’ll be a Long and Short trail. “ He informed us. “How long’s the Long?” I asked in a bright, friendly, cough-wracked manner (I had been frightening various small animals with paroxysms of coughing on the way round). He fixed me with a basilisk glare. I felt bits of me starting to shrivel. “You’ll be told at the Regroup.” He opined tersely. I expected him to add, “Now be off with you and look sharp you fellows or it’ll be the worse for you.” Simple and I slunk away duly chastened. Funny how being a Hare can affect people isn’t it? There’s all care and concern by some – usually new Hares, Donut for instance. There’s the too-helpful, ShutupWally for example – we were trying to catch up with him on a lot of his last Hash. Then there’s the ‘I know everything and will enjoy your confusion’ Hare – Cheating for instance loves telling us we have to ‘think about it’, ‘act as a team’, ‘I told you to think about it’. Now TinOpener is generally quiet, thoughtful and a nice bloke. Perhaps absolute power does corrupt absolutely…

The Regroup provided a useful respite after the fairly non-stop hammer and tongs first half. It was 3-0 to the Hares and we need a management pep talk. We settled for watching Drexel’s dog Maggie rooting for truffles and/or moles with her nose and paws in the loose earth next to the fence and covering Dribbler’s leg in sprays of said earth. BouncingCzech delighted the lads present by scraping off her skin tight leggings to reveal a fine pair of legs and another excellent set of buns (see HotPants, above). Unfortunately, I was only half way through enjoying the sight when another fusillade of coughing rattled forth and sensible Hashers such as Iceman moved warily upwind. TinOpener finally deigned to inform us that the Long trail was only about a mile and a half extra and that it was one blob and On. Deep joy. We set off up the rise wistfully watching dog people Hamlet, ShutupWally and Incider jog joyfully off on the Short.

Not surprisingly, there is not that much on my recorder for the Long trail since it was a pretty fast, non-stop run through fields, across the railway track, over canals and amongst Hungerford Marsh. Lovely stuff actually, even if we were a tad breathless. For an October day it was pretty warm and I for one was buoyed by the thought that at least I wasn’t running 13 miles or twice that amount on the Clarendon Way. Constant companions were generally Iceman, Gnomealone and ShitShoveller and we duly swapped the lead as one or the other of us screwed up a Check. Eventually though, that fine canalside Church appeared and we sped beneath the Hungerford main road bridge across the canal before fetching up at the sight of that very first Check that caused so much havoc. Gnomealone and I walked the last bit over the railway crossing, pretending that we were ‘warming down’. And in the car park, almost another set of buns. Incider sat, changing, in her car at an angle from us, trousers off, legs crossed coquettishly showing a fine set of smooth white thighs. Useful really since it reminded me to get the chicken drumsticks out of the freezer when I got back home…

Thanks Lilo and TinOpener. A damn fine trail on a lovely Sunday morning (and afternoon…)

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Simple presented the following :-

A fast half for Cheating

Up and Coming