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Beech Hill Village Hall


Dumper and C5

Beeched Whales

Zebedee Florence Vlad Drac Foghorn Mother Theresa Lemming Doughnut Dutch Cap Cerberus Premature SlowSucker TinOpener Chopstix Shandyman ShitShoveller Wally and dog Bonnie Glittertits PissQuick Lonely Bootsy BGB Motox The Blobbies Utopia Uplift Septic Trembler Twobob Itsyor Old Fart Tony Amanda Cheating Effing Ms Whiplash Salome Caboose Nopatsy Iceman Mark John C4 Honeymonster Dribbler Hitchhiker TC Whinge Old Dog Slackbladder Cabin Buoy Little Stiffy Simple Dunny Scarlet P Spex Loud Spot Bomber Posh Margaret Caroline Xander Flash Ballsup Nutty Potty SlipperyDick Hamlet

A Souper Day Out

Beach Hill ?! More like Mud Flats! … but why did so many turn up last Sunday to flounder there? Was it the hares reputation for laying a damned good trail?... or was it the lure of cheap beer and the Loud n Tasteless feast to follow? But first …….

The continuing saga of the missing moustaches

After Hashgate’s flight of fantasy last week, Motox presented me with his diary entry for Saturday 12th October as follows:

I shaved off my moustache after I had been refused entry to the Under 60’s Disco. A few days later with a newly smooth upper lip I decided to try my luck again. No problems. Once inside I was very conscious of top lips and soon spotted a silver-grey hairy one – it belonged to my good friend Hashgate. We exchanged pleasantries and then decided to try and pull a couple of young birds (well, they were under 50) who were on the other side of the room. Using my famous 2man pincer movement we flanked, centred and then moved in before they had chance to run to the ladies. We trotted out our chat-up lines and I pulled the tasty one. Hashgate went for the big bird with the hairy chin. “’Allo, love”, he said, “I really fancy you. Wanna come outside for a bit?” She looked at the hair on his top lip and said “Not Bloody likely! I’m not having THAT near me. It’ll make me sore and I’ll get a rash!”

The dejected Hashgate hit the bottle, drinking like never before and vowing to shave the d***ed thing off. He eventually got home after the milkman found him staggering and gave him a lift. He stumbled inside and spotted the cat cleaning its backside on the sofa. He knocked it off and it flew across the room. Feeling a bit peckish he went to the kitchen and made himself his favourite fish paste sandwich. Then he lay on the sofa and fell asleep.

The cat, feeling it was safe, jumped back on the sofa. Smelling the fish paste that had stuck to Hashgate’s moustache, the cat licked and licked with its rough tongue until all the fish paste and hairs on Hashgate’s top lip had gone. When Hashgate awoke he thought he had dreamt he had been licked by a pussy. “That’s a first!” he thought. Then he looked across at the cat sitting in the doorway. It turned lifted its tail and winked


…………………….And now back to the trail. It was a very muddy one with a river-crossing, an A33, a BS and a FFC. The hares thought the A33 so interesting that we ran parallel to it on 2 longish stretches and someone (Trembler?) thought he’d live dangerously by running across it too! The FFC came just before the BS. Having missed the explanation at the start it mystified me. Apparently, it was a field check but C5 couldn’t resist adding the extra “F” to make Fulham FC. It was lost on Caboose who thought we should go in the direction of Fulham – east – but which way was that? There was no way of knowing without Wally’s lost compass (see down-downs). As we trundled over the field Tin-opener pointed out a shrew and he seemed to get quite excited about it. However, the real reason for his lightness of heart was that he was out enjoying the countryside while the outlaws were at home.

We reached the Beer-Stop which was real rather than the virtual one we have come to expect from C4. Actually, for me and some others, it was a very welcome Breakfast Stop. I had orange juice, crisps and beer – in fact, my usual breakfast! Suitably refreshed we were ready to tackle the icy cold water of the stream ahead. Septic muttered something like “ ******!, it’s a lot more than ankle-deep ,darling!” Xander jumped in enthusiastically but Doughnut , who was not so keen, stood whimpering on the bank. Xander chivalrously swept her onto his strong, youthful shoulders and carried her across. I considered going back to see if he would do the same for me but decided I couldn’t bear the disappointment.

We crossed a weak bridge where we all demonstrated how light we are and through a narrow gate where Uplift demonstrated how slim she is by slipping through it. There were some jumps too. Not quite Beechers Brook so there were no fallers. We then romped home. I was narrowly beaten by Slippery Dick, out for a second time in training for the Reading Half. Well done, hares, a very good trail – so good that Zebedee felt the need to run it twice.

Back at the Village Hall, Loud treated us to a feast of warming home-made leek and potato soup and bread and cheese and other nibbly bits. Later he produced a very dark rich chocolate cake which he eeked out amongst the lucky recipients – it was absolutely delicious. Our usual scribe had deserted us today for an Over 60’s Party – Well, eat your heart out, Hashgate, we had an excellent one of our own!!!.

On On.


Down Downs

Our eloquent RA Simple presented the following



Style points

Xander and Caroline

Visiting virgins

Obviously gagging for it


Leading hashers astray by kicking out checks before they were checked

Beer went down the right way though

Loud N Tasteless

Fashion leader - wearing his “serving-man’s” white gloves

Deftly downed


Torn shirt

Gone in a flash


Leaving the beer-stop by car

Drank half……and wore half thanks to the RA


Given a piggy back across the stream by Xander

An expert at staying dry. She was made to stand bare-foot in cold water. She managed to throw most of the drink daintily over her head without getting her hair wet.


Not paying at R2D2 and losing his compass

Beer found its way down alright

Dutch Cap

Blister on toe as excuse for not “running”

Hair stayed dry

C5 Dumper


Downed swiftly by very dry hares



Thiirsty for more - he ran round again after his pint.

Up and Coming



Grid Reference






The Red Lion, Upper Basildon




Map 103 939101

The Greyhound Inn, Wiggington

Lemming & Mother

Private dancing lessons given free of charge to ladies. Must be easily-led- see Motox