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The Lamb Hotel
Hartley Wintney


The Tremblers, ShutupWally

The Flock

Honeymonster BlouseBlazer Twanky BlowJob Motormouth Hashgate cerberus Premature Eugene Desperate Margaret Dave Foghorn Snowballs SlackBladder OldDog Colin CallBox PissQuick Bomber Posh SlipperyNip*le Lilo Tinopener and dog Emma Motox Iceman Florence Zebedee C5 Aqua OldF*rt David Spex LoudonTasteless Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby DunnyStumbler Simple Uplift Vlad Drac Dutch Donut Itsyor SlowSucker Madonna LTP (should that be El Tepee?) Caboose Cheating Sh*tShoveller

Like Lambs To The Water

Motormouth and I were quite looking forward to the night’s Hash as we turned into the car park, waving in a friendly manner at The Tremblers – one who appeared to be falling asleep on her car and the other hurrying round to the driver’s side window which I opened. “Hi Doug.” I greeted him brightly. “Bu**er off.” Replied my Scottish friend with much rolling of the ‘r’. “There’s a public car park round the corner.” Well he’s bigger than Motormouth and me put together so we smiled meekly and drove off, followed by various others who had similarly been told where to go. No sooner had we skipped lightly from the car, watching poor old Motox heave his aching bones creakily out of SlackBladder’s 4x4, than we were assailed by a mad clown. It was ShutupWally, so pleased to have been called in to help lay the trail by Trembler that he had to tell just everyone how he had saved the day. He capered and pranced and yammered inanities. I’m sure the U.S. Government could save a fortune in air fares. Rather than send terrorist suspects abroad to be interrogated they could just put a bunch of them in a room with Wally for five minutes. I guarantee they’d be hammering on the door, desperate to talk. Speaking of clowns, a complete car full of them turned up. It was rather like the circus where the joke car suddenly appears, full of crazy people. Desperate, Eugene, Premature and Cerberus swerved in to park, all laughing their heads off and talking nineteen to the dozen before spilling out. I was expecting the doors to fly off and loud explosions with them all falling on their backs with their feet in the air. Check ‘em out if they all arrive together next time. It’s worth a look.

As you can see from the list above there was a good turn out. A couple of newbies: Colin, Madonna and LTP, and the return of David. This is the chap you may recall, who eagerly agreed to lay his first trail with me in November then completely forgot about it. Mind you he did save himself a damn cold run and I got to lay the trail with Daisy, who’s much more attractive than he is. We kissed and made up – figuratively speaking. Our GM Spex, fresh as daisy from her Reading ½ Marathon triumph wittered on in the Circle and accused me of wearing a tutu (a somewhat voluminous T-shirt) before sending us on our way to run past a number of curious onlookers who stepped out of their front doors to scratch their heads and marvel at the geriatric procession going past them. And geriatric we felt as we slowed to a sprattle (excellent word, look it up!) up that first long hill through the trees led by Premature, Quack and David. And, curiously, ShutupWally who was just so eager to view the results of his handiwork. Fair enough really, you can miss a lot if you are sweeping up the back markers. A series of Checks appeared with the trail going straight on until the last where it turned off right. Sadly, Motormouth, Dave and I got suckered and the Pack disappeared rapidly with us trying desperately to catch up with a number of walkers including Dutch, Krystyna and, of all people, Simple. The big feller should really have been resting since he has been suffering from advanced glottal stoppage and general lurghi. However, he managed to stagger round and deliver the Down Downs without sounding too much like a voice from the grave.

Zebedee had also managed to drag his enfeebled bank manager’s carcass (achilles problems) out for a trot and I was foolish enough to let him persuade me that we really should go through the stream instead of round it like everyone else. Quite warm it was too. Unfortunately, there was a pretty steep bank to climb up on the other side. Fortunately(?), Twanky was palely loitering nearby and pulled us out. Which was fine until we both realised we were laying on the bank being loomed over by the fellow with a distinct glint in his eye and the look of someone playing mental Enny Meeny Miny Mo… We took off like drag racers. That conjures up an interesting train of thought but sadly I don’t have the space to expand on it. Probably just as well.

The Regroup appeared rather rapidly and Mr Blobby and Motormouth mentioned that all the sensible people had managed to jump across the stream a little further up from where we went in. They could have told us. We carried on up another lung-bursting sand and shiggy hill that Cerberus informed me was where she did a spot of hill training now and again. C5 obviously fancied a bit of this since he went right off trail at the first Check to do a hill of his own while Itsyor and OldF*rt led us on the right trail through some rough, but enjoyable, scrubland. We pranced with Premature, bumbled along with Bomber and sojourned with SlowSucker, trying not to trip over the roots and rough ground, until we got to a fairly major Check in the forest where stood the lonesome Desperate. When she agreed she was looking for a man certain male Hashers brightened considerably. Chests were puffed out and socks rolled down to display manly calves but to no effect since Desperate also stated she was highly unlikely to find a man amongst the dessicated rabble that had headed her way. We slunk away, our spirits lifted only a little on seeing Premature, SlowSucker etc returning pantingly from a fairly long False. We circled a large pond swiftly, wondering how SlackBladder had managed to pop out of the bushes ahead of us and almost pushing Mr Blobby into it – we had to settle for giving him a shoe full of shiggy. Up ahead on the wide forest trail and just after a right turn was ShutupWally. We pressed on towards him. Mistake. The merry fellow had laid a Bar Check a little further on and was crowing about how many people he had caught out. We managed to resist the insidious thoughts of a forest burial, leaving him pegged out for badgers to cr*p on or just throwing him in the pond and turned back resignedly. Though some, such as SlowSucker and Premature took that right turn – which led nowhere. We had to go fairly far back and turn left up a sandy, leg-sapping hill track. I found myself behind Florence who emailed me last week after I sent her the Gobsheet to print complaining she hadn’t got a mention and asking, ‘What does a girl have to do to get herself noticed?’ I did send her back a short list of my recommendations, only one of which involved a rubber glove and a cheesegrater, but she declined all suggestions. Even though she did nothing in particular on this Hash I’m giving her a mention for having a damn fine pair of buns. They just caught my eye while we were trekking along the narrow trail for a while. Check ‘em out. They’re better than anything you see in a baker’s window. Of course I must say that there are plenty of other fine pairs of buns amongst the Hash membership – most of ‘em belonging to the girls.

The Hares had crafted the trail so that we returned to the site of the Regroup where we found Krystyna lingering – possibly also looking for a man and certainly also going to be disappointed. Another damp experience through the stream awaited us and Dumper, C5, Florence, Aqua, SlowSucker enjoyed the Lemmingesque splashing administered by SlackBladder who was probably going to get a good slapping from OldDog later for soaking the poor girl. Our run in took us past Hares Farm in Hares Lane where we met Cheating and Sh*tShoveller running in the opposite direction. They didn’t appear again until we started the Down Downs!

Nice Hash Hares. Not too long and lots of fun. Thanks. On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Simple croaked out the following :-



Style points


Having a badly swollen member

Downed it to swelling applause

DunnyStumbler, Spex

Winning the Reading ½ Marathon

Raced to a fine finish


Asking Simple if he had the largest bike seat post ever

I’m sure this is getting worse than ever. Beer shampoo was thoroughly warranted


Desperate to get off (with anyone) from the Regroup

Didn’t romance it, just got it straight down her throat (erm, just read that – perhaps I should rephrase?)


The silly s*d fell over again

Tripped down very smoothly


Tonight’s virgin

No problem


Tonight’s representative Hare

As ever, managed a fair bit of spillage

Up and Coming



Grid Reference






The Plough, Little London
Come dressed as a Morris Dancer
(Park 100 yds North of the pub)





The Sun, Hill Bottom

Squirrel & friends