Morris Minors?

Cheating Hashgate Vlad Drac Spex LoudonTasteless Dutch DunnyStumbler Simple Honeymonster TinOpener Lilo and dog Emma Iceman Centaur Little Stiffy CabinBuoy Krystyna Dumper Septic C5 Soreskin Cerberus Premature Desperate Dave Eugene Margaret (now named Sh*tfor and FannyBag, respectively) Flash Shirley MS Whiplash J Salome ShutupWally OldF*rt Uplift Mrs Blobby Utopia Nicola with dogs Bud and Shady Sh*tShoveller SlowSucker Glittert*ts P*ssQuick Itsyor Fiddler Zebedee Florence OldDog Grommet StinkingBishop SlackBladder Baldrick Bomber Posh Lonely Bootsie Motox Quack

Mayday! Mayday!

The earliest recorded performance of a Morris dance is May 19^th 1448 in London when the ‘Moryssh dauncers’ were paid 7shillings for their efforts. The most recent BH³ saw was during the Down Downs when Dumper, C5, LoudonTasteless and CabinBuoy danced (that term is used at its most flexible, particularly since C5 has only one fully working leg at present) round Simple’s homemade Maypole which was held erect by the excited Spex who was gradually tied up by the interweaving ribbons. This is the nearest Spex has come to pole dancing and she did essay a little bump and grind for our benefit though the bump was on her elbow from when she slipped over rather spectacularly in the shiggy during the Hash and the grinding was largely due to joint problems associated with, shall we say, a lady of mature years. The surreal dance certainly rounded off an evening of May Day Morris-style celebrations though in true, contrary Hash style the only true Morris amongst us, Rob Morris aka Blouse Blazer, wasn’t able to be there. No matter, there had been a concerted effort by many to enter into the spirit. Here are just a few: Dumper looked every inch the part and carried a large stick with ribbons on to beat senseless anyone who disagreed. DunnyStumbler and Simple had really got serious about things and had spent some time stapling small bells to each others knees – fortunately the blood had been blotted by their long running trousers. Simple also had a splendid pair of lilac baldricks crossing his chest. Brave fellow – the thought of one Baldrick on my chest makes me (and I’m sure Baldrick) shiver! Of course, one of the most important people in a Morris Side is The Fool who is there to entertain and provoke. A better description could not be applied to, yes, our very own Fool ShutupWally wearing his jester’s cap and bells and smudged red lipstick. I queried him about the latter and he swore it was merely lip salve. Hmm. Now Hare Hamlet wore the traditional whites perfectly and his co-Hare Fukawe had more than one male Hasher pop-eyed and dribbling slightly. White ribbons in her hair, a white top with an exciting hint of cleavage and a short white skirt finished off with a large pair of muddy running shoes certainly floated CabinBuoy’s boat, firmed up SlackBladder and Premature… well I’ll leave it there.

The Hash finally formed up a 100 yards from the pub where we should have been in the first place and we On Outed down and across the long grassy field towards the waiting forest. It’s rarely been so noisy when we run. The merry jingling of a multitude of bells and the thunder of the Morris running shoes frightened off the wildlife for miles. Premature, Cerberus, Desperate and Eugene were particularly noisy (I know they usually are) since they had been to the s*x shop in Reading’s Southampton Street and bought the week’s special offer of the wrist and ankle bondage bells set. Since there are four of them they figured they could save even more money by buying just one set and each wore the object strapped tightly on a wrist. I understand Desperate got a little over-stimulated during their visit and had to be prised, foaming at the mouth, from the display of inflatable May Poles before being taken to the Royal Berks for a rabies shot and a bromide tea.

One of the more disturbing sights while trotting through the forest with Iceman and Glittert*ts was the rear view of CabinBuoy. His sartorial interpretation of a Morris dancer was to wear somewhat too tight braces attached to what appeared to be gents boxer shorts underkecks. This led naturally to the formation of a major wedgie which surprisingly didn’t seem to bother him. Unlike Bomber, Centaur et al when he leaned over in front of us to pick up a fallen handkerchief. A shudder ran collectively through us and we pressed on rapidly. In fact, we all pressed on very rapidly throughout the trail since time and dusk wait for no man (or woman or dog, of course) and the route had been laid for speed rather than tarrying ‘midst the coppices. Though Centaur and I tarried at one particular Check when we spotted half the Pack going away from us in one direction and the other half in an opposite direction. Luckily, the provocative Fukawe appeared and ushered us the right way. Incidentally, I must congratulate the Hares on their almost perfectly circular Checks. Only Spot is of the same standard.

We rushed on towards the Regroup by a stream and watched Nicola take her splendidly behaved doggies across. Simple and I agreed that rather than calling them Bud and Shady they should have been called Bud and Weiser or Slim and Shady. This would make calling them much more fun for the casual onlooker. Hamlet tied a white ribbon round the old beech tree while we rested, then began to chuck mud at the rest of us. Fair enough, we chucked some back, only just missing Simple’s left ear as he stood next to him. Spex turned up already covered in shiggy from her mud crash and Dumper, for reasons best known to himself, decided to wade through the stream. Meanwhile, the serenity of the forest (apart from the squeals of the mud throwers and recipients) was shattered by Margaret’s mobile phone going off. She rummaged desperately in her bum bag to retrieve it thereby inspiring RA Simple to name her later. (No, he didn’t name her ‘Later’ he named her… oh see the Down Downs, below.)

Of course Premature couldn’t wait to get going again and led several people, including SlowSucker an appropriately merry dance in entirely the wrong direction. Hamlet drew a nice flour arrow and we raced off the entirely opposite way, stopping only briefly with Florence to dance round a Maypole (a bit of log) that Zebedee picked up. It was a fair old sprint through the forest with Desperate, Eugene and Grommet from here and the legs of those who had run the Shinfield 10k or Henley 5 mile races earlier in the day were beginning to tire. Presumably, Cheating had run both earlier since he decided to shortcut diagonally across the field next to us. What an athlete he must be. Nicola, Bud, Shady and I ended up following Vlad (or was it Drac?!?) clad in a very fine wing-collar dress shirt back to the delightful pub where just like a real Morris Side we sampled the selection of excellent ales and Uplift told me she wouldn’t need her rubber gear back after all…

Thanks Hamlet and Fukawe, another damn good trail. On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Simple returned to his rôle in splendid style, purchasing a multiplicity of drinks with BH³’s money and presenting the following :-

OldDog vainly attempted to put him in a nappy before he drained his glass. His bum did look big in it

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