Me n’ U

Caboose ScarletPimpernel Abi Motormouth Hashgate Bomber Posh Cerberus BillyBullShit Simple DunnyStumbler Iceman PoisonedChalice BlowJob Ms Whiplash Salome Vlad Drac Desperate Shitfor Nutcracker Potty Spex LoudonTasteless PissQuick Glittertits Tony Amanda and dog Barney Claire Tom Leonora Dave Margaret Samantha Nigel BollardNaked BigStiffy Itsyor OldFart SlowSucker Spot Hitchiker Motox Utopia Uplift Mrs Blobby Steven Jane Dwight TT2 HeadBoy Handful Stuart Jenks BlouseBlazer Pyro TwinCam Bob

ShutupWally Makes A Hash Of It

Starters

It was truly gorge-rising to watch. ShutupWally was at his most unctious, sycophantically oiling round Antony Worrall-Thompson like a cat round a leg, gazing up (well down actually – he’s quite short) in rapt admiration. “Will you sign my books chef?” “Come and join the Circle Tony, love.” “That’s a big utensil!” This last in response to the massive wooden spoon our Antony had been persuaded to ‘start’ the Hash with, by the newshoundette of The Henley Standard. Said lady had persuaded the chef-hatted, aproned Hash to pose outside the pub with Antony in the middle just as Uplift drove past with Utopia and the injured Mrs Blobby. Seeing the camera she screeched to a swerving halt down the road and together she and Utopia dragged the limping Mrs Blobby towards the photo-opportunity while practising their over-the-shoulder limpid looks and pouting. Sadly, by the time they got there we’d all been snapped. There were certainly some outfits to be photographed. HeadBoy won the meal for two wearing a large-bellied chef’s outfit while carrying a very large wooden spoon and fork. Desperate’s cow motif apron was very fetching though the fact that she was wearing ShutupWally’s running shoes, having forgotten her own, produced a few worried frowns; and BillyBullshit wore a proper chef’s tunic while Nigel fielded a sous-chef’s flat cap on his head. The evening had it’s serious side since, as GM Spex reminded us in the Circle, it was a year since our good friend Shep had died in a road accident. Wally had organised the Hash with this in mind, The Lamb being an appropriately named pub at which to remember Shep, and co-Hares Lord Lucan and Queen Wendy had been good friends. I’m sure Shep was looking down and enjoying this Hash. It was much like those he laid – lots of excellent woodland and almost total confusion at times. Had it not been for the ringing, stentorian calls of LordLucan at certain points we could have ended up in the, er, soup.

Main Course

We soon tucked into the meaty part of the course, On Outing the usual way and following Itsyor and OldFart. Both were wearing the paper chef’s hats ShutupWally had been handing out so generously and Itsyor made the interesting comment to OldFart that, “Yours sticks up ok but mine just flops about.” before noting that the Scribe was hard on his heels and uttering something similar to, “Oh bugger!” We slipped down slopes of feuille sèche, enjoying the sight of Handful wearing a rather slinky blue gingham apron and performing a delightful girly mince in the ankle-turning ground. At the foot of the hill began a rather common occurrence for the evening. The flour had totally disappeared so we all milled about trying to find some. Cerberus, Motormouth and I were certain that a partially hidden white flint up a hill was the trail and persuaded several others to follow before LordLucan finally helped us on our way. There were as well, several Bars laid on this Hash, one of ShutupWally’s favourite devices. Great idea, but not when you don’t actually return to the last blob but go somewhere else completely different. DunnyStumbler, Stuart, Spot, TT2; just about every FRB got lumbered this way. Including BlowJob who admitted, during a conversation with me that her motto was ‘never mind the quality, feel the length’. Our conversational strand may have got just as lost as the trail at this point.

Motox was making huge strides, quite literally, through the forest and was being chased at a fast walking pace by Dwight, who has knackered his knee. Bearing in mind that Centaur has also knackered his knee there may be an object lesson here for us from the fast running boys of West Berkshire. Though bearing also in mind that Mrs Blobby knackered her foot last week on the Hash perhaps the lesson is that any form of exercise can produce an injury and that it is a lot safer never to leave the confines of a friendly pub. Amen to that.

The Hares had given us a fun bit of dry mud slope climbing after a lot of forest firkling and we scrambled up the steep thing after Nigel and Samantha who was, for once, not lost. Mind you, she did have a bit of a footing problem and slid back towards me at an alarming pace. There was nothing for it, I had to grab either side of her rather attractive rear in order to halt the decline. Any gentleman would have done the same. However, having realised the position we were in (beast with two backs etc) I swiftly spared her any blushes by nipping to the front and pulling her up the next bit by the wrist, then latching on to Shitfor for a yomp up a damn great hill in a field to the stile at the top with a blob of flour on. SlowSucker and Jenks had already gone this way before we were called back by ShutupWally. Why, we shall never know, since the trail went that way. SlowSucker and Jenks looped round to join us as we headed towards The Dog at Highmoor and stopped dead by a Check. Jenks very kindly told me about his ancestors who used to run this pub, something he used to bore Shep with every time the Hash went past this way. I felt quite honoured that he decided to bore me as much as he had Shep. A little silver car wavered past, the driver seemingly lost. She was. It was Donut. The poor girl had only at the last minute decided to come since friend Dutch decided not to, having had a tooth out and was feeling like a hamster with a walnut. Stopping right in front of RA Simple was probably not one of Donut’s best moves. Still, it was a sure-fire way of getting a free drink and she certainly got one later. Just down the road Glittertits absolutely insisted that there was no flour anywhere, ever, for miles even though he was standing next to a two-way Check where Lord Lucan lounged. The poor old chap’s eyesight is obviously going. We began a very fast woodland cruise, following Margaret, Jane and Abi at first. By this time the paper chef’s hats were wilting fast and the light but insistent rain was dappling the leaves. We hit the On Inn, sprang out of the forest and enjoyed a relieved trot to the pub where we met a slightly embarrassed but cute-looking Donut. Good hash, good theme, good fun. Thanks Hares. On On. Hashgate.

Afters

RA Simple had whipped up a fine meringue made up of the following ingredients:-

SlowSucker invited her to chuck the beer over Simple; so she did

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