Simple, Dunney, Potty, Nutty, Snowballs, C5, Dumper, Claire, Rosa, Sue, Colin, Scarlet Pimp + Harem, Motox, Wally, Billy Bullsh*t, Cerberus, Bomber, Posh, L+T, Spex, Spot, Hitchhiker, Whinge, TC, Slowsucker + Offspring, Miss Whiplash, Sh*tshovellor, Quack, Baldrick, Squirrel, Jenks, Dylan, Zebedee, TT2, Florence, Ladybird, Paige + Dad, GT, PQ, Dutch, Cloggs, Non-Stick, CIYC, Heybabe,Little Stiffee, Big Stiffee, Pyro, Lonely, Bootsie, Utopia and any one else who I can’t remember (sorry).
Picture this: A quiet country pub set in the heart of middle England. The farmers and farmworkers sitting around lazily after a full days toil in the fields, lazily sipping at their slightly warm pints of real ale.
Then from the undergrowth a herd of bawling and shouting hashers emerge hollering “On Inn” with sweat fair running from their brows. Amongst the throng a young lad, head full of hair, bounding dogless around the legs of the hardened hashers saying “Can we do that again, Oh please please lets”.
To think that 23 years on that said hasher should have learned nothing about haring.
The trail started well enough with a good mix of paths and off off woodland, one minute dropping down hill and the next climbing back up said bugger. The pack, on the whole, staying quite well together to begin with. As things progressed however the lack of regroup meant that the FRB’s, who devoid of vocal cords, scampered off into the distance kicking checks merrily as they went and the rest of us puffed and wheezed our way along, occasionally happening on that ever annoying breed of hashers known as WALKERS. Annoying from the point of view, that despite the efforts of the vast majority, they still manage to appear in front, with seemingly little effort.
But little did they know what was to come. The trail led us to a field, much like any other field on first impressions but lurking just out of site was the most dangerous animal known to man. More dangerous than the Great White Shark found in the southern oceans, more dangerous than the lions prowling the plains of Africa and even more dangerous than Miss Whiplash when your trying to get tick out of her.
No this was a real and immediate threat. A herd of Water Buffalo. God only knows what they were doing in SODU territory but nevertheless there they were, stalking us menacingly we as we crept across the field. It seemed however that they had been recently fed so the entire hash managed to safely negotiate the threat.
If this wasn’t bad enough we were then to face yet another danger, almost as dangerous as the aforementioned wild animals.
This is when the hash shows its true colours, when men and women without prompting begin to do the one thing that keeps the back markers safe from danger.
They call On-On. This is a rarety on most hashes but tonight I felt a lump in my throat as we pulled together to get everyone safely home.
The On Inn was sensibly situated 20 yards from the car park and there we were. Home at last.
That’s when things got even worse. No I hear you say. How could they get worse. Well they did. The pub which didn’t actually have a bar ran out of just about everything. No Beer.
What was the hare thinking of. No bloody beer. Why was he born so beautiful indeed why was he born at all because at that point he became no bloody use to anyone. No, no bloody use at all.
After 23 years, total folical failure and a dog that is too embarrassed to stay with him, he manages to lay a trail from a pub without beer. The Rev Jenks will never ever go to Hashy Heaven.
We adjourned to the closest hostelry where finally our thirst was quenched.
I fear that The Reverend Jenks attempt to honour hashers gone by has only resulted in them looking down on him and crying with laughter. As we will for a long time to come.
The down downs rattled through at the stand by venue by RA Simple were as follows:
Cerberus Birthday Celebrations with special Cake and beer. Not as spritely a down down as once was.
Sh*tfer Awarded the Umbrella for talking Dutch to tears Could do better.
Dumper For bump starting Icemans Jumbo Swift Half
Loudon Tasteless Awarded a beer for being critically injured. The pain affected the performance obviously.
Jenks The most undeserving Pint ever awarded to a Hare Finally found something he can do on a Hash