Tortoises

Foghorn Iceman Honeymonster Lemming Mother Theresa Ms Whiplash ‘J’ Salome Desperate ShutupWally Salome Scarlet Pimpernel Dutch Motox Sue Colin OldDog P*ssquick Glittert*ts Donut LowCost J-Wax Spot Twanky Dumper Septic Vlad BlouseBlazer Tinopener Lilo and dog Emma PP and dog Barney Tony Madam Cyn Steph TickTock CIAC Heybabe The Tremblers Baldrick Harry Potter and kidlet Crapper Cheating HeadBoy TT2

Hares

Well this is going to be yet another personal view of the Hash since Slowsucker fenagled me into laying it with him after Sh*tShoveller did a runner. Hopefully, next week, the Gobsheet will see things a tad more objectively but for now I’m afraid you will have to put up with pure Hashgate-view.

How the other half live! While waiting for BlouseBlazer to begin his very first Circle welcome as new GM we spotted a large black Mercedes pulling into the car park, driven by a fairly old and inscrutable-looking Indian bloke. He remained inscrutable even when a reasonably athletic-looking chap leapt from the back seat and proffered a fistful of fivers. This was Crapper, who had flown all the way from Singapore to run with us. Amazing how popular we are isn’t it?

We cut out some of the course. SlowSucker measured the original distance we recce’d at about 8½ miles. A minor leg-stretch for most of you, I know, but we wanted to have more of a Hash than a race. It think it mainly turned out that way, especially at the start. Realising that most of BH³ would expect the trail to turn to the right from the pub we deliberately laid a rather long False down that way which caught almost everyone – except the walkers who set off in the opposite direction with SlowSucker, thus confusing the tailenders of the flock baa’ing and racing off right, and the undecided who hung sheepishly around me offering ingratiating smiles, fluttering eyelashes, small parcels of unwanted body hair and certain, shall we say, favours which I of course rejected out of hand. Sorry, Twanky. Maybe next time Septic – I was a tad busy. But, being of a generous disposition, and having been asked very nicely by a chic-looking Donut, dressed very nattily in black top and shorts (Actually there’s a story about those shorts. During the last part of the trail Foghorn and Lemming somehow contrived to run directly behind the unsuspecting girl. “Those shorts are riding up a bit, Donut.” Observed the helpful Foghorn. She stopped, let them run past, grinning. “I’d better pull them down then.” She replied unwittingly. The boys couldn’t believe their luck. “Yes please!” They chorused.) So anyway, I pointed her and a number of hangers-about left down the road towards SlowSucker, knowing that the actual On Out was through the back of the pub garden then a loop back to this road. SlowSucker, theough, was having none of it. “Get back! Back I say!” He snorted, affronted that anyone would cut off the bit he had laid so carefully. Sorry, people, I did try to help. Having just run round all the trail laying it I thought a bit of a rest was due so I wandered to where the loop should come out. It was sunny, warm, pleasant. Umm. Quiet. Hellfire! Too quiet. Where is everybody? Eventually, a Foghorn and a Glittert*ts appeared, with very few other people. “They all went off towards Sonning Common.” He replied to my question. So let’s just round up the situation: 1) SlowSucker had asked me to go with the front runners – he had disappeared with the walkers ahead of everyone else and I was now at the back 2) Two minutes into the Hash I’d apparently pointed the SCBs in the wrong direction 3) ¾ of BH³ were now heading off towards a built-up area with no flour instead of towards sun-dappled woods with lots of exciting Checks. Total chaos in less than five minutes. I call that a major achievement. Well, now I do. At the time I looked heavenwards and uttered a silent, “Thankyou. So very much.” Before careering off down the tarmac hill towards Sonning Common. Could I find anybody? Could I boll… Apart from a bloke in his garden who was genuinely interested in what we were doing. Ten minutes later, after a breathless and fruitless race round the area I got back to the pub and Harry Potter who was casually pushing his son along in a buggy. Nice bloke, Harry, and a fine lad his son but I didn’t really need to walk and chat at this point. With a hurried wave and a flour arrow to help them I took off after the Pack. Cripes! You lot don’t half move fast. I didn’t catch up ‘til the golf course, by which time I was shorter of breath and nearer to cardiac collapse than Motox on catching sight of Ms Whiplash, bending to re-tie an errant shoelace. I could hardly even talk to TickTock, HeyBabe and TinOpener. It was a fair old haul to the Regroup where stood SlowSucker, fresh as a daisy, with the walkers. “You going to do the Long then Hashgate?” he chortled, as all the eager beavers immediately sped off. Omigod!

I had kind of insisted on this loop. It seemed a darn good idea to run over a stile and through somebody’s back garden, into a field with a four way ‘one blob and On’ Check in the middle, back to the end of the lane containing the Regroup, run back past the beginning of the loop and over another stile, through a farm and back on to the main trail. Phew! It’s hard work writing it, let alone running it. I’m glad to say that Low Cost, TT2 and a host of others were well caught out by the 4-way Check whereas Glittert*ts, Lemming, Mother Theresa (what were these two doing on the Long?) hung around waiting for directions in the sweltering heat. We made it to the forest and formed our own group of FRBs since everyone else had disappeared without trace. This was quite novel for some. Such as Donut who was even more surprised than we were when she actually Checked It Out and found her first ever False! Lemming was so concerned that he was going to suggest she sat down and put her head between his legs. But thought better of it.

No, I can’t do it. I have to own up that that last bit isn’t quite true – though it made a good story. If I had reported how the little fellow had twisted Donut’s words at one point and made her blush you would have been appalled and it is not something a gentleman member of the BH³ Press corps could possibly repeat.

Crapper was with us, thoroughly enjoying the varied terrain, along with Sue, BlouseBlazer, PP and a very thirsty Barney, Colin etc. We were a very happy group trotting down through the forest although Iceman found it a little heavy going after he had run up a fearfully steep, narrow path to the ‘F’ I had lovingly placed at the top. It’s always nice to know one’s efforts have not been in vain. Colin and Low Cost enjoyed the steep hill directly opposite on which SlowSucker had equally carefully fashioned his own ‘F’. Somehow, walking wounded Motox and Honeymonster joined us by a Check at the base of a precipitous forest path. They looked at it. They looked at me. I offered them the shortcut back to the pub. They took it. I wish we had. I suppose it wasn’t too far back but there were a number of large hills and it was interesting to see Tough Guy competitor Sue looking as hot and fagged as the rest of us. I began to wonder if perhaps the trail had been a tad too long. But I think we can count it as a success. We had the melée at the beginning, the walkers were ahead of the FRBs, the Pack split into at least three sections, the Long trail from the Regroup reused part of the same route it went out on, I only saw Wally once during the Hash and Spot came in half an hour after everyone else. Oh yes, and it was a beautiful day matched by the superb countryside and rounded off by a thoroughly enjoyable après-Hash drink in the pub garden bathed in sunshine. Marvellous! Keep up the good weather!

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

Standin RA Motox wheezingly (chest infection) presented the following :-

PQ got it by a nose, but not bad at all, generally

Up and Coming