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The Traveller’s Friend


Potty, Simple, Snowballs

The Hashers

Motox, Old Dog, PQ, Twanky, Gromit, Stinking Bishop, C5, Dumper, Septic, Uplift, TurdTreader, Cerberus, Premature, Baldrick, Shirley, John, Flash, Aqua, Hamlet, Fukawe, Fanny Bag, Bog Brush, Iceman, Honeymonster, Lemming, Mother, Foghorn, Spex, L&T, Posh, Bomber, Dutch, Dwight, Mrs Dwight and 2 mini-Dwights, Centaur, TinOpener, Lilo Lil and Emma, Jules, Nutty, Hitchhiker, Dunny, Whinge, Tarmac Cuddler, Chopstix, Shandyman, Caboose, Cunning Lingus, Florence, Zebedee, Slack and Little Stiffy. Lots of newcomers/visitors too:- Louise, Steve(Wingnut-Lagos) Bridget, Heather, Liz, David, Ian (Bungy) (If I have missed anyone, blame the Dictaphone for not working!)

The Hash

LEST WE FORGET – Where is Hashgate? Oh, at least it isn’t raining today….for there he is, knees knocking in his khaki shorts parading the Colour at the Remembrance Parade. A minute’s silence for the fallen heroes and those left behind, those who live/d through the aftermath and remember the horrors of war. Pray for Peace.

A bit like last night’s Skittles really……A major event in the Berkshire Hash Calendar, where hashers have been preparing for weeks….muscles were being toned, fingers flexed, balls played with, swings perfected, nerves stretched. Who was going to steal TinOpener’s Crown?…..Where was he by the way? Oh, LiLo Lil had got him by the lughole and had marched him off to some knee-slapping Barn Dance so the way was cleared…..the title was up for grabs – Kingpin of the Berkshire Hash Skittles. The Grandad Master of Entertainment had done it again….HRH Motox (well he now has an official birthday like wot the Queen has) Being a sly old fox he was trying to side-step protocol and provide Gateaux for pud….well, he was only going to fork out for a main course, so in trying to ‘slip in a quickie’ he made out it was his birthday…..and it all back-fired. The lady of the house said that they would be happy to dish it all up for him… he had to come up with the goods and pretend it was his birthday (how old are you now?)….that’ll teach him!! L&T did us proud with scrumptious nosh as usual, Chocolate Fudge Cake and Carrot cake…well done MasterChef! Now, the results! Highest score for the Ladies went to Slippery closely followed by the Runner up, Uplift. Killer was won by Baldrick and runner-up there was Jules, well done! This year’s Champion (in keeping with his track ‘Conkering’ record is Buffount Boy himself, Hashgate, he really has the knack of a good swing and an eye for the balls…..Booby Prizes went to Amanda and Premature, well someone hash to win it….

Oh, there I go rambling again….isn’t this meant to be about today’s hash run? …’s much more fun catching up on the goss… There will be NO Scurrelous Scandal on MY gob-sheet though…..I am thinking of suing old Buffount Boy, bringing my good name into disrepute….as if I would lure unsuspecting hashers behind a tree I usually need to dig a bear-pit trap, hit them on the head and drag them unconscious to my hidden lair… By the way, I hope you will all notice that I don’t type with a Scottish Accent, you know, James…..(ye ken, Jimmie! Looks odd typed in the English so I have translated it…)

Also, you will note that this is being done the old fashioned way with Pen and Paper as a CERTAIN PERSON WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS FORGOT TO PASS ON THE MACHINE (and he had bought new batteries for it as well….)How Hashgate manages to press all them buttons, ford streams, duck overhanging branches, chat up the gels and dictates as he pounds along is beyond me….I just caught up with the gossip at the end with my pen and clipboard….

Having said that, there was a brilliant hoot not long after the on out where the pack, FRBs the lot of them dashed, off into the woods….ha ha….not like cunning old Cerberus and a rather dashing young hasher who idly hung back when we realised the hare had a rather large grin on his face….at last we were in the running…off like whippets we were and we even managed to get to the check before the main pack finally hoved into view down the hill….sadly though the RA (who was hare for the day) got a bit miffed that no-one actually fell for the bar-8 false….having said that, I think all faith was restored in the dim-ness of hashers as I believe Shandyman (whose lateness was down to the ‘dodgy sat nav’) was actually daft enough to go up the hill instead of crossing the bridge! Now then, what happened next….. there was much mumbling and stomping along the long and the short and at some point the walkers ended up on the long…..and were bitterly complaining that they were not going to be first in the pub avoiding the crush….

There were no crashes reported but there was much raising of voices and screaming as the water crossing was a tad cold today…the usual culprits were having the weekly bathe in the babbling brooks and the usual hooligans were doing the showering…..and I believe that poor old Tarmac Cuddler had a brief encounter with Lemming…..and she had the fingerprints to prove it!!! Whinge and I consoled ourselves bemoaning the pain and suffering of dodgey knees….but he still managed to powerhouse his way through the glorious terrain that our hares had laid for us. It was indeed the only thing that Potty had laid that weekend as apparently the night before, despite having provided food, and doing the washing up and going up to the boudoir early in anticipation…..Nutty was legs akimbo, sparko on the sofa with Hitch-hiker having demolished the best part of the warehouse stock of the local OddBins!

(I can’t say anything about Snowballs, apart from he really is doing Sterling Charity work doing all his cycling, keep your eyes peeled for his China Cycle Ride tee-shirt and he hopes to go to South America in the not too distant future….) Simple Bravely Soldiered on with his arm in the sling….despite everyone seeming to pat him on the right shoulder….Fortunately it hasn’t impaired his re-hydrating skills so the pub were most pleased as their Sunday afternoon takings meant they could take that long-awaited holiday in the Seychelles. Hash quote of the run – “it was too bl***y long….why did they have to set it on bikes, even though they didn’t set it on bikes, they still shouldn’t have done it on bikes.” Think the lady was a tad tired and puffing round the gills….it was a fair ol’ run boys, well done!

Now for the really good bit (I mean I know it was a great hash, enjoyed by all, blah blah…but) Scurrelous Scandal did come out over light refreshments post-hash! CONFESSIONS OF A BALLROOM DANCER – Simply Come Dancing as you have never seen it!!! A certain Grandfather of the hash, well known for their rhythmic skills on the dance floors told us a rather naughty secret. There is a rather smooth move where the ‘gentleman’ (and I use the term very loosely in this case) gently caresses a lady’s waistline from back to front as they move closely round each other….well when dancing with a tall lady, this is fine and the gent’s hand is politely left resting on the lady’s tummy…however, in the case of a shorter lady….well MOTOX, how could you!! The poor woman finds herself being groped by your great meat hooks!!! (should have seen the smile on his face!!) I ask you!!

On On. Old Dog – standing in for KingConkerPin - Hashgate.

Points to Note – Don’t forget the Port and Pudding run on December 3 – Please do see Cheating if you can lend a hand on the day…..anyone for canapés?? We might still need a couple of helping hares so do let him know. Also, Dirty Dancing Dave is flogging the Christmas lunch tickets for the Festive Fare on December 17 at Swallowfield….he is having a rush so don’t leave it too long……

Down Downs

RA Motox (AKA Dirty Dancing Dave) presented the following :-



Style points


Went to the wrong ‘Marshall’ last week – must have borrowed Shandyman’s sat nav…

Been practising, you could tell by the beer keg that was hiding under his shirt!


Arsenist – Ar*****le?)

Setting off the fire alarm at the Skittles night (looks nothing like a light switch!)

Only had a half and he still managed to end up wearing it!


Not knowing who the RA is and mouthing off

Very smooth action, lovely to watch, definitely with style.

Dunny, Flo and Post

Matching triplets who shop at Yves Saint Lidl – all wearing the same non-hash haberdashery in a very fetching purple (Spot, you need a new buyer!)

3 hardened bargains hunters who can suck a pint dry in less that 10 seconds and not a drop was dribbled!

Purple Tops

Steve (Wingnut) and wife Louise

Hash Gent (he waited to make sure she was keeping up….awh) and she’s still a Virgin, awh…

Done with style, but since he wasn’t a gent, she didn’t come first….

Potty, Simple and Snowballs

The Hares – a fine trail and a lovely day and a good pub too!!!

Considering one was tired out, one still with broken bones and one walking funny after an amazing charity bike ride…they sank em quicker than the Bismarck. Am I allowed to mention the war?


Up and Coming



Grid Reference




19 Nov


Sandhurst Memorial Car Park – Don’t park at the pub

BGB and Slippery


26 Nov


The Mole

Monk Sherborne

Hamlet and Fukawe
(Wear 50s gear!)