Hashgate Motormouth Swallow Donut Fannybrush Bogbag Iceman TT2 Spex LoudonTasteless Quack Little Stiffy SlackBladder JWax Baldrick Flash Nick Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby Utopia Russell Nick Cerberus Billy Bullshit OldDog Centaur Spotless ShutupWally C5 Lonely Bootsie Zebedee Florence Twanky Cheating Itsyor Bomber Posh Tor OldFart StinkingBishop Grommet SlowSucker Tina BlouseBlazer Drac Lilo Tinopener and dog Emma Dutch Florence Malcolm Anouska Cabin Buoy Pat Slippery Ozzie Cheating
It was a fine day, just one of those days to use a word like sprattle to show how bl??dy clever I is(all you entomologists, semanticists and morphologists eat your heart out!)I had been practising my yoga deep breathing exercises all day as I knew it was a Honeymonster/Wally run and should expect the worst and I was not disappointed! So as I drove blissfully along the A322 my first sight was of a flailing Honeymonster flagging down down cars as if his waters had broken and he needed a ride to hospital. Executing my normal handbrake turn I slid into the fishermen’s car park to be greeted by Swallow in a skintight leotard – WOW!
The theme today was Superheroes and as Cabin Buoy knows to his cost nobody bothers to dress up EXCEPT Slackbladder wearing the work overalls he uses daily to clean the sewers. Zebedee with a cake on his head and CATWOMAN Flo. Wally was dressed in his boiler suit. Witch Woman/LoudandTasteless/Slippery claimed they forgot to bring theirs – WW had laid out Cinderella and Prince Charming costumes on the bed and driven off without them. Slippery left hers behind because she thought it might be too revealing! The Hares had organised an interesting run for us around a number of follies such as The Exedra which is not a small evergreen shrub originating from Asia but part of a building and is a semicircular recess crowned by a halfdome. Honeymonster led the walkers off for an early bath but BGB LOST CONTROL as the main pack especially the RRRs were like rabid rottweilers hearing the postman coming up the path and shot off before 7.30 without being given Wally instructions. This meant they bounded past Stairway to Heaven round the Tree House ignored the Horseshoe Lake heading ever North for Australia. But the ever aggressive Dutch held back searching for the dishy arborist(should that be ardour? – Ed) – but in vain!
Everyone missed The Millstone and Christmas Tree Grotto and the historic Cleopatra’s Needle. OLD DOG complained that she had checked all routes but missed the path for budding entomologists past Honey’s beehives – they are his hives but apparently Wally is the qualified apiculturist!
No more sympathy for Mr Blobby who has recovered from injury because he was questioning Wally’s parentage whilst running over a false and the latter had sensibly hidden in a tree not an oak like King Charles but a sycamore and Blobby echoed many hashers’ thoughts that we are sick of more of his trails
All on a sudden it wasn’t “Where the FUKAWE?” but “Who the FUKARTHAY?” as marauding pirates appeared from nowhere. I had one of those Hair On a G-String moments and had to light my crotch and sit down! Then I felt better. The pirates ran thither and dither and many, even the normally astute Spotted Dick couldn’t find their way out of the arboretum!
Only the faithful Loudand tasteless regrouoed in Australia with a few stragglers whilst the FRBs headed down down the excellent tunnel echoing to Bomber’s fine bass version of ‘O Sole Mio’! Mrs Blobby and Utopia took the short trail and soon arrived at Pooh Sticks bridge. Not quite up up to the standards of the Sewards Duck Race but both were arguing that they had won! The Windle Brook wound and wound down to a spectacular lake view next to the ubiquitous GUNNARA( looks like giant rhubarb but comes from South America.) Those Guildford hashers who weren’t chasing their tails in the arboretum were slogging along the long trail by Windlesham church whilst Baldrick and many BH3 members short cut to the bridge
Here there was a magic moment when 2 Santas met up(bit like the Pink Panther?!) – I asked myself - is Santa a Hero or a Villain? Both sides were represented? However, I think that it was DRIFT with his Learner plates who was the one trying to go straight. Pain in the B*tt*m was really grumpy now - he couldn’t work out whether his hares had cocked up or that Berkshire were invading Guildford’s territory?! By now both groups reached the safety of the gardens but having regrouped failed to check out from Nelsons Column and headed back down the path to Guildford’s car park. They missed the sun setting over the ruins(Exedra) and the sight of one hasher( Zebedee for it was he) who ploughed a solitary furrow checking and following the trail finally past the Armillary Sphere. I am reminded of “The curfew tolls the knell of passing day……………………………………………………………………..and leaves the world to darkness and to me”
Berkshire managed to see part of the Japanese Gardens taking in the Island Temple and the Cherubim and Seraphim fountains before reaching The Chapel of Love(now used for weddings and Bar Mistas – see notes).Then it was ON IN to the start from the fishermen’s lair. We must congratulate Fukawe and Hamlet for such a fine trail though for goodness sake don’t tell them I said so – I’ll never hear the last of it. Also commiserations to Guildford who have now officially been incorporated under Berkshire and Honeymonster/ShutupWally for turning up up. Cheating sauntered over to me and said ”I have been half hashing(he only does max 50% of any route) for 40 years all over the world and have never been able to achieve anything like this – 2 groups not knowing about each other running the same trail dressed as opposing factions i.e. Heroes and Villains – it is a global first for hashing!”
On On. Hashgate – The Doppelganger
Guildford RA Underdeveloped tarred and feathered Fukawe and Hamlet in their car park and awarded the following scores
Fancy Dress – large % bothered - 10/10 Idea – fantastic – 9/10 Run – 0
At the Hare and Hounds our RA C5 presented the following in his own inimitable manner :-
Grommeit/Posh Talking all the way round
Cabin Buoy Being a prat NOT wearing his fancy dress
Lonely/Motorcross Getting stuck/towing out
BGB Not doing ANY checking – what’s new?
Shutupwally Showing culture to the walkers
It was suggested that Wally runs with Guildford in the future but to date the offer hasn’t been accepted by them!