Out For a Duck

Motormouth Quack BlowJob Hashgate Donut Swallow Shandyman Vlad Drac Chopstix FannyBag Bogbrush Spex LoudonTasteless Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby Utopia Uplift Baldrick OldFart Tor Steph SlowSucker Tinopener Cerberus BillyBullshit Foghorn Dutch Roy Shitfer Desperate Iceman Motox C5 BlouseBlazer Spot Dumper whiteFang Tapeworm Stripper Toolbox FannySniffer Madonna

A Short Fine Leg

The last time we were here Trembler laid a trail so long and convoluted that a number of us disappeared off on to the A30 and most only got back after dark. The situation was exacerbated by the Army, who had laid their own training trail with white blobs of flour that wound it’s way through Trembler’s. By contrast, tonight’s was deliciously short. Most of us managed to on-drive for six the Hares’ googly by completely missing a loop. Thus, returning to the pub early and enjoying the sight of an almost empty bar. Wonderful. Itsyor and Fiddler took it in good spirit, managing to hide their chagrin at all the wasted effort.

Speaking of Itsyor, he mentioned to me a little while ago that he wondered how many Hashes he had actually taken part in. Since I don’t have his email address and I keep forgetting to tell him let me state here that to date, and counting this one he has appeared 120 times in the Gobsheets that I have written, starting 26^th June 2000. So there you go, Itsyor. Official figures. The website states 211 so this figure may actually be correct despite other totals being wildly inaccurate. Statistics, eh? Can’t live with ‘em etc.

While I’m here, I must apologise for being completely fooled by the Gobsheet that ShutupWally wrote recently about his own run. This was largely due to the fact that (despite the appalling grammer, spelling, punctuation, presentation etc) some of it actually made sense. So much so, that many of us believed the rumour that C5 had written it. How we could think that such an erudite fellow could have penned such a mistake-riddled sheet I do not know. Sorry, C5.

So, to the trail. Well, it was very fast despite the good number of Checks laid by the Hares. And it was pleasing to see Chopstix and LoudonTasteless well up at the front (Spex told me later that it was the first time she had seen Loudontasteless well up at the front for many years). It wasn’t long before we found ourselves by Blackbush aerodrome running past the end of the runway where those merry Hare japesters had laid the word ‘Duck’. Apparently, when they had run this way earlier a couple of light aircraft came in to land, providing them both with new hairstyles and a requirement to change their running shorts. Uplift, provoked to trouser-splitting mirth by this example of unbridled comedy, essayed a short Biggles impression that plummeted like a stricken Heinkel, spinning smokily out of control before crashing and burning. Actually, I fib. It was ever so funny. No really. It was. Oh yes.

We spread out along the disused runway, Spot tripping lightly, despite being stricken with the lurghi but a few days earlier, with the Hash Cross along one side while Iceman and Foghorn checked the other. Foghorn made the mistake of stepping off-tarmac into the skin-shredding gorse and furze which produced a variety of words that have rarely been heard on an airfield. At least, not since ‘Binkie’ Snibson, ace World War II pilot and holder of ‘Most Fearsome Moustache 1945’ award had almost copped a packet when Jerry dropped a 1000 pounder not a hundred yards from where he was sitting in the outside lavatory at the end of the runway at Biggin Hill. The blighter not only demolished the wooden khazi but blew his cap off and ruined a damn good pipe of tobacco. Leaving a blast-blackened ‘Binkie’ sitting, trousers lowered, in front several WAAFs as they hoofed it to the Anderson. Damn bad show all round.

I let Quack take most of the flak (see what I did there?) through the furze we had to negotiate, since he is a tad wider than me. This worked very well except when the odd chunk of this spiky stuff flicked back off his brawny shoulder and whacked me in the ribs. It was like being smacked with a cactus. Not, I might add, that I know what it is like to be smacked with a cactus. I suggest you consult Ms Whiplash if you require further information on this subject. After a sojourn through less aggressive aforestation we zipped out into a clean, wide industrial estate where Desperate informed me, “I haven’t been for a few weeks.” She seemed to be running without distress so I forbore to mention that a large helping of prunes, laced liberally with a few pods of senna and a couple of figs might do the trick. If anything, we started to run faster at from this point, even though we plunged back into smelly woodland almost immediately. Surprising what people dump in these areas isn’t it? We seemed initially to be running through snow, though this was just a whole load of pea-sized white polyester packing balls. I noticed also a car axle, a set of folding doors, a mohair welding mask, an origami giraffe (life-size), a stuffed courgette, four neatly piled dormice (dead), a complete Frankie Lane record collection, Elvis Presley (seated), two teddy bears in a compromising position, a half-eaten 1967 British Rail ham sandwich, eight maids-a-milking, the book, ‘Eat Your Way To All the Crumpet You Can Handle’ by John Prescott, someone’s discarded leg, a set of laser-guided toenail clippers for the visually impaired, a (slightly rusty) iron lung, an unwanted pet beaver. Go on then. Read the list, close your eyes, then see how many you can remember.

As you can guess, I’m running out of copy – and time. So let me just say we thoroughly enjoyed this short and sweet Hash. Thankyou Hares.

One more thing. Actually two. Since I will be far, far away for the next two weeks and assuming I am not voted off at the AGM…

1. We need a Scribe for September 23^rd. Any volunteers?

2. I believe SlowSucker will be writing up next week’s Hash so I suggest you take a deep breath before reading the damn thing. The lad has been know to wield more of a bludgeon than a blade. A tin helmet and body armour may be in order.

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

Standin RAs Dumper and C5 presented the following :-

… or this one

Up and Coming