Lewd Wenches

Iceman Potty Nutty Donut Hashgate Fannybag Bogbrush Motox Dunny Rampant Rabbit Florence Zebedee Shandyman Chopstix Poca Glittertits Pissquick Snowballs Salome Ms Whiplash OldDog Posh Bomber Twanky Nappyrash Heavy Petting and dog Barney FullFrontal Blowjob BGB Whinge TC Roz Matt Simple Skids Desperate Cerberus Handful Mother Theresa Lemming Slowsucker Swallow Lonely Cheating SkinnyDipper Flash Rainbow Warrior Hitchhiker Hartley (possibly soon to be named JR…?) Dave (probably soon to be named Slapper!) Sue Shutupwally

BH³ Valentine’s Day Hash

Quite what the well-heeled denizens of wealthy Henley-on-Thames made would be interesting to know. A mincing throng of assorted trollopes and strumpets strutted around Grey’s Road car park in a variety of ‘outfits’ that would have made any psychiatrist gulp before reaching for the laptop in order to get down the pages-long article that would make his or her name.

Our ‘Hares’ wore appropriately long wigs with Shitfor opting for the Ozzie Osbourne in drag look while Billy realised one of his dreams by sporting a brown, flowing confection that is the exact opposite of his actual head-covering. SkinnyDipper wore a variety of reds and pinks with a powder pink and blue boa, looking like a madam in a somewhat unconventional bordello. Twanky got in touch with his feminine side (surely a difficult feat for such a manly fellow) with a slinky, long number and a fairly frightening red wig. Our picture on the left gives you some idea of the potentially mentally damaging experience the good burghers of Henley went through.

The prize for the most curious of outfits went to our GM, Slowsucker. Stung to the quick by this organ’s criticism of his ancient dress last year he had obviously thumbed to the back pages of the Saturday Daily telegraph and ordered himself a pinky red nightshirt. As was remarked at the time, if he had also worn the nightcap he’d have been a dead ringer for Ebeneezer Scrooge. As it was, he aired his generosity at the Circle by presenting the BH3 Valentine Rose to Roz, a visitor from High Wycombe Hash who was veiled in a frothy, ballet-style kind of thing. Whinge too received something a little less romantic in the form of a single cup black bra within which was placed by Motox the BH³ boob. This object is awarded to one of our number each week. Quite how Whinge managed to run with the thing wagging and bobbing on his chest is another story. He spent most of the Trail gripping it with one hand in a grotesque display of apparent personal satisfaction.

We jiggled off, desperate to find the Trail but also desperate to keep with the Pack. On this Hash the FRB who finds himself way ahead of everyone else risks not only ridicule but possibly arrest. So we stuck together. Talking of Desperate, what Hare Billy didn’t know was that his co-Hare had told her (for she is his lady) the route of the Trail. I understand that, had he not divulged, his chances of watching Fulham stuffing Notts County on the Sunday afternoon were less than zero. So when we caught on it was merely a matter of following the gamine lady in the red harem outfit and pink wig and to hell with the Checks. Billy was really quite miffed. Which was as it should be since he has scuppered more Trails by calling ‘On On’ when it clearly wasn’t than I’ve had hot dinners.

Now Henley is fairly hilly and it was an amusing sight to see the gaggle of flouncers staggering breathlessly up slippery tracks before wheezing, hands on knees, at the top. We floundered up one of these before finding ourselves outside the tall fencing topped with razor wire that surrounds Mrs. George Harrison’s grounds. Nappy Rash decided to check it out and, despite the absence of any discernible flour, trotted a fair way down the narrow lane by the fence towards the main road, his rather fetching bias-cut frock flapping around his knees. Way off into the distance and with no one following closely he nipped into a set-back piece of the fence, hoisted his skirts and sprayed it, emerging a couple of minutes later with a satisfied grin on his face. I wonder how satisfied his grin would have been if I had told him that just above his watering place on a tree was one of the biggest 360 degree cameras I’ve ever seen. I thought he would find it more amusing if he found out via the Gobsheet…

We jogged aimlessly down the road from here and kept going because even though there was no flour Desperate was going this way. We came upon a poor, fairly large, badger that had obviously breathed its last, possibly due to the wheeled attention of the number 800 bus to Marlow taking a minor detour. Full Frontal and I discussed what one might do with a dead badger, deciding eventually that badger sandwich (toasted or not) was probably rather tasteless. Fannybag, later, had a view on our lifeless subject, declaring that it had, “a nice face”. Hmm. It had possibly been possessed of an equable temperament and was a generous host but right now it was completely buggered.

The Hares had got too darn clever for their own good at the top of the hill overlooking Harpsden valley. The Long and Short Trails allegedly split from here so the pack duly split too. What we hadn’t realised was that the Long went down the steep hill, went left, then back up again, while the Short went along the top, down the hill, turned right, then back up again. Billy later explained that we were supposed to meet at the bottom, kiss and meet back up at the top. As it was most of the Short trailers went straight along the Harpsden road into Henley, only to be seen again at the car park! That was far too complicated for the Hash you Hares. When we got back to the top I counted 7 arrows and the RG. Which looked like RS. Aaargh! We are but simple folk. Simple summed it up when he took the flour from Billy and filled in the bottom of the ‘R’ to make a much more appropriate BS.

Before I run out of space I must mention the stunning railings at the front of a garden of a house in Cromwell Road. These had been made by Whinge and a superb example of the welder’s art they were too. He was rightly proud of them. After a run back down by the river, a change in the cold car park and a pint we enjoyed the Down Downs and a variety of Valentine’s Day presents given out by Cerberus. A good fun Trail. Roll on next year!

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Motox presented the following :-

Fine. His comment to me about his x-dressing earlier was, “I’ve come such a long way in such a short time”…

Up and Coming