Lucky People

Fannybag Bogbrush Donut Hashgate Tinopener Lilo and dog Minx 2Bob and dog Lucy Utopia Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby Poca Pissquick Motox Dribbler Butterfly Slowsucker Swallow Iceman Desperate Shitfor Cerberus Billy Bullshit Lynne Helen Emily Dunny Rampant Rabbit C5 Spex LoudonTasteless Cabin Buoy Florence Baldrick Whinge TC Woodentop Hitchhiker Spot Slapper Dwight Scoot Itsyor Fiddler Cheating Ms Whiplash Skinny Dipper Simple Skids AWOL Blowjob Dumper Little Stiffy Slackbladder Flash Stiffy Potty Nutty Snowballs

Sabotage, By Thunder

It did seem a little strange, as we hung damply about in the starting rain, that there would be a one-blob Check in the car park. We should have been suspicious that Billy and Shitfor ran off early, allegedly checking for the Trail across the neatly mowed pitch (Football? Rugby? Aussie Rules Football? Gaelic Hockey? We couldn’t figure it out from the oddly constructed goalposts). We found out soon enough what their obfuscatory tactics were after we On Outed up the road from the pub and came across a Regroup! The Pack stuttered to a halt and scratched its collective head before stamping off in a variety of directions – most of them wrong. Those who came back to the RG found a flour arrow... pointing in the wrong direction. Ah those naughty boys! Bringing their own flour to sabotage the Trail. There was a certain irony in viewing Billy’s glee at the mayhem he and Shitfor had caused. When he believed that Desperate had sabotaged his own Trail in Henley some time ago by ‘leading the Pack’ his purple-veined, teeth-grinding apoplexy was the exact opposite of his mood tonight. Fortunately, Messenger Boy and Twanky, our Hares, took it all in good spirit and shepherded the Pack expertly past the confusion. The word ‘expertly’ exactly describes the way this Trail was laid. Considering that both of them are shiftless ne’er-do-wells with the brainpower of a sloth on Prozac it was surprising to all of us but the truth must out. It was a humdinger.

Part of the brilliance of this Trail was the location. As Itsyor said to me, “It doesn’t get much better than this.” It doesn’t. The countryside was lush and verdant, slightly rolling with a variety of greens that stood out against the rain-darkened sky. Trotting across the tidily combed sports field of Bradfield College was quite uplifting. Around this level ground stood back the college, grand trees of many kinds, the clear, quiet stream along which we ran. Though even this was eclipsed by the field just afterwards. We ran diagonally upwards through the middle of a crop of fresh, dark-green wheat interspersed with many brilliant-red poppies. The effect was stunning. As indeed was the sudden call of “Bar-10” up ahead which prompted Dunny to put a voice to our thoughts with the appositely bathetic, “F“**k!” The good part of running all the way back down was that we got to see that beautiful sight from a different aspect – which made it (almost) all worthwhile.

The Trail was not only messing up the FRBs, it was confusing the Pack. People were to’ing and fro’ing from a plethora of neatly drawn Checks. A Bar-Check was hastily scuffed out after Cheating had failed to placate an irate lady by what I believe was her horse field – despite his undoubted charm, intelligence and fragrant personality. Nappy Rash managed to Hash Crash as did Blowjob who was suffering enough with a blocked chest that made her cough sound like an ancient warthog smoking eighty Capstan Full Strength a day. I did offer to rub her chest but when she expressed a wheezy interest I zipped away like a scalded cat. Typical bloke really. All puff and bluster until his bluff is called.

Getting to the (proper) Regroup proved to be a piece of cake. Especially if you were towards the back of the Pack since the Pack had rushed off in the exact opposite direction. Wonderful! Those of us who had been a little tardy found ourselves at the RG well before most other people and stood around in the thickening rain waiting for the others. There was a Long/Medium split from here and the sensible opted for the Medium, including Nappy Rash. But he found himself running with Billy, couldn’t stand it after a couple of minutes and loped off back to the Long Trail. Donut and I found ourselves trotting down a woodland trail with Iceman. A pleasant enough experience made all the more pleasant when he caught the toe of his running shoe on an upstanding tree root (clearly marked with flashing warning signs and fluorescent-jacketed squirrels flagging the way). We all know what it’s like. One minute you’re gliding along like a Brylcreem’d gazelle. The next you’re taking one giant leap for mankind with your chest down on your leading leg and making a wish because your legs are so far apart. Iceman being a cultured soul, he did not even think the word uttered earlier by Dunny. Just crashed onwards with a slightly alarmed “Gwerrkk.” Which I believe is Gaelic for, “Oops. I seem to have caught my running shoe on yon tree root.” Luckily, he managed to stay upright. Otherwise I have absolutely no doubt that Donut and I would have suffered severely – group hernia brought on by excessive laughter.

Of course, only a Trail with Twanky as one of the Hares would have an ‘S & M’ route. New girl Emily looked a little trepidatious as she embarked upon it but she soon whipped up enough enthusiasm and joined the rest of us degenerates who were flogging breathlessly up the fairly steep, tarmac hill. There was yet more exercise-induced flagellation with some long, straight bits through soft-grassed field edges, a steep track with a lost-looking Hitchhiker near a two-way Check, a long and steeply uphill tarmac, flour-free road and an equally long and virtually flour-free downhill bit. Essentially, we got a bit lost. But Billy reckoned he knew the way back and we were too tired to argue. Either way we eventually got back and gratefully sank that first pint. Many thanks, Hares. Exceptionally enjoyable.

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA C5 presented the following :-

A tad slow for our Max

Up and Coming

Hash Walk

Sunday June 20^th. 10:45 for 11:00 am start at The Seven Stars, Knowl Hill RG10 9UR (grid: SU821793). Approximately 8.5 miles. Pub stop for food or byo. The latter recommended as the pub may be expensive. See Motox for details.