The Hashers

JWax Tinopener Dwight Scoot Julia Foghorn Donut Hashgate Flash Dumper Septic C4 C5 Slowsucker Nick Laura Simple Skids Scarlet Pimpernel Mrs Pimp Snowballs Diver NappyRash Desperate Shitfor Billy Bullshit Cerberus Spex LoudonTasteless Nutty Potty OldFart Itsyor Fiddler Rampant Rabbit Dunny Slippery Nipples Kay and dog Vertigo Kasia Twanky Blowjob Lonely Honeymonster Zebedee TT2 Florence Dribbler Butterfly Leslie Vicky Sam Darren Dorothy Paul Fannybag Bogbrush Motox Honeymonster Full Frontal BGB Iceman Pissquick Glittertits Ms Whiplash Salome Spot Hitchhiker Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby Woodentop CabinBuoy Caboose SkinnyDipper Lunchbox Old Dog Quack Cheating Stiffy 2Bob and dog Lucy Just Moist Penny Pitstop

Baldrick’s 60^th

or A Cunning Plan

Baldrick’s Cunning Plan was to retire, have a well-organised party with lots of friends and lay a stunningly well-laid Hash Trail. Let’s face it. Two out of three isn’t bad. The retirement went like clockwork. Loads of people turned up... We’ll get to the Trail in a minute.

How nice it was to see a double set of returnees tonight. Scarlet Pimpernel with Mrs Pimp and Vertigo with virgin Katia, Also nice to see six additional virgins, four of whose names I managed to get. They thoroughly enjoyed their evening’s Hash and are apparently looking forward to repeating the experience. Maybe they figured that because tonight had food and next week has food it is a good opportunity for free tea every Monday. They probably also enjoyed the ‘Wear Something a Little Unusual’ that seemed to be an event restricted to Flash and Lonely. The former spent some time sitting on the kerb, hauling on exceptionally tight elastic stockings before we started; a fascinating thing to watch. And even more fascinating was watching him stand up with virtually no effort. The things were so tight they just counteracted the bend of his knees and stood him up unaided. Lonely meandered into our midst nonchalantly wearing what looked like grey baize galoshes. From overhearing a conversation of his a week or so ago I believe they are meant to brush aside brambles with the easy skill of a Hollywood star sloughing off the attentions of eager autograph hunters. Thing is, they hardly cover his ankle and only part of the upper foot so I really rather believe they are more fashion accessories than bramble bashers. Very natty, Lonely. You wouldn’t feel out of place at The Drones Club.

Following an educated introduction by our good GM, Slowsucker, Baldrick informed us that we had a shortish Trail in front of us that we would enjoy tremendously. We On Outed. And that’s when our problems started. The Trail plan was so cunning that it started off without any flour! Despite some serious FRBing by Billy, Zebedee, Itsyor and indeed the rest of us, no-one could find a single blob. Our confidence wasn’t helped by the sight of Harry Potter, co-Hare, turning a map through 180 degrees while trying to find out where the Trail should be. I might add that this was not the only time he was spotted doing this. It was like a mass of lab rats on LSD trying to work their eyeball-rolling way out of a maze. I am glad to report that our virgins were grinning widely at all the confusion. There was certainly no problem keeping the Pack together.

Having finally figured it out Harry pointed us the right way and we trotted joyfully along a mixture of leafy and suburban paths, with a small stream thrown in for good measure. Zebedee, Itsyor, Fiddler and I decided to experience the watery embrace while just about everyone else decided not to. Estates came and went and just about everyone we saw gave us a cheery “Hello”. Including a bloke Fiddler knew who he told, “This is my running club.” Bit of a bid for power prior to the AGM there, Fiddler. But calling us a ‘running’ club makes it very clear that the bid is doomed.

Foghorn, Caboose and were puffing our way up a green hill next to the back of another housing estate when Shitfor wafted past. I use the term ‘wafted’ since this is singularly appropriate for the fellow. You may have read recently how I came upon some of his aftershave lingering on a sickly –looking tree during the Fun Run. I’m sure if we could see it there would be a wavering droplet shape containing his own atmosphere surrounding him wherever he goes.

Some more interesting Trail laying awaited us when we came upon a Bar-4 where the true Trail went off after the first blob back! Lucky there are no rules on the Hash isn’t it? It got more confusing when we lost the Trail in a forest that Donut reliably informed me was The Combes, amongst some weirdly sculpted shapes where nutters raced and tricked their BMX bikes in occasionally successful attempts to break a leg or an elbow. Once again we finally found a blob and tripped lightly on our way, little realising that those of us who had not taken full note of the surrounding area were going to be lucky enough to get a second chance. A reasonably long loop round the woods. A growing feeling of déjà vue and... bingo! We were back by the bike track again waving to Old Dog who looked quite pleased to have caught up with us. Luckily, Blowjob knows this area and set off determinedly. We followed. We may be stupid. But not that stupid. Amazingly, we found the Trail. Not quite sure where Harry Potter was at this point. Probably trying to find Spex and Twanky who went so off-piste that we didn’t see them for ½ an hour after the rest of us had finished. The only person who seemed to know where he was going (of course) was Cheating. While we followed flour through another housing estate he was striding purposefully back through our ranks, insisting the Trail couldn’t possibly go that way.

At the end Lonely’s i-Phone reckoned we had done three and a third miles while the virgins had it down at around four. Certainly couldn’t complain about the length of the Trail. And we did want to get back to Baldrick’s party. So we did and a fine party it was too. Multiple nibbles adorned the tables in the hall while a barrel of beer quenched our thirsts. To be followed by an excellent spread overseen by JWax. The masses munched happily on the balloon decorated tables as Abba did their thing on the sound system. It was quite difficult tapping a foot and attempting to spear a slippery new potato while indulging in innovative conversation.

Great evening and we thank Baldrick and JWax for their invitation and hard work, and Harry Potter for his general assistance and confusion  On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA C5 presented the following :-

No trouble

Up and Coming

And finally a thank you "card" from Baldrick