Bucks and Does

BGB Tequilova Donut Hashgate Iceman RandyMandy BlindPew C4 C5 Skids Simple OldDog BlowJob twanky Pissquick Poca Glittertits Hp NappyRash Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby PennyPitstop Shitfor Desperate Cerberus Fannybag Motox Handful Ross SkinnyDipper Lilo and dog Minx TinOpener Cheating Posh Bomber Zebede Florence Swallow Slowsucker Whinge TC CabinBuoy Sue Janet Brian Allen and Teddy the dog Nutty Potty Anorak Trainspotter Flash

Into The Teeth of the Gale

Lucy had the best idea (Lucy being Messenger Boy’s faithful hound). She stayed at home. Perhaps Messenger Boy had rehearsed his Hare’s speech to her before the Hash. The bit about the Long Trail being, “a ball-breaker, about 8½ mile long”. Though we were initially in good spirits, having enjoyed watching Handful’s 18-point turn to reverse into a parking space bigger than Cardiff, this cooled our enthusiasm a bit. That, and the force 9 gale that insinuated itself icily into every loose shorts leg, chapped the cheeks and reddened the ear tips. I felt it my bounden duty as a gentleman to attempt to warm at least one Hasher so cuddled Donut. Very pleasant.

It was very nice to see Anorak and Trainspotter after what seemed like a very long time. Anorak told me they had been out to South Africa to the Garden Route for a month or so. Very nice too. I imagined how warm and sunny it would be as I battled against the wind. The wind – which rushed headlong at us, buffeting and pushing, bustling and barging as we On Outed up the road. HP agreed, as we ran head down, that she was ‘knackered’. As indeed was I, after about 200 yards. It didn’t help, as we left-turned into a bleak and windswept field that Shitfor struck up a conversation about the weekend. Now I’m as happy to chat as the next bloke but when your every word is whipped away and you’re gasping for breath anyway while stumbling across a lumpy field on leaden legs that haven’t warmed up yet I have to say that he was rather short-changed in the dialogue. The exigencies of the weather and conditions didn’t seem to be affecting him but I put this down to the fact that he would have been high on the alcohol content of his aftershave and deodorant mixture. Take my tip and forget the Red Bull. Next time you want an extra bit of energy just give him a sniff. Preferably before, rather than after a Hash.

A little news on the Billy front for those who don’t know. The old boy is doing well though he will need a little corrective surgery. Hopefully the old bugger can get to the pub next week. I understand Cerberus is looking forward to bringing him. He’s been talking twenty to the dozen to her and she needs to push him off on to other people for a bit so she can have a rest. You have to feel for the woman. It must be difficult enough looking after Billy when he’s buzzing about normally let alone when he’s fizzing with frustration at having to rest and recuperate.

Just about all the Trail to the Regroup was ‘into the teeth of the gale’ via unsheltered, open tracks and my breathless notes into my recorder when I reached there are testament to the physical effort involved. That, or a lifetime of degenerate living is finally catching up. We all stood about, breathing heavily. C5 wiped a wayward nasal drip. Fannybag smiled, looking fresh as a daisy. We waited for the rest of the stragglers to stagger up. It always seems to me that the slower of our members have the hardest time during the Hash. They never stop running. By the time they get to Checks they’re all kicked through. And like today, when they finally reach the Regroup we all burst off again. Got to feel for ‘em. Now, as Iceman said, “a decision needs to be made.” He was talking about whether to split off on the Long Trail. You remember? The 8½ mile one? Or the ‘Short’ Trail. The alleged 5½ mile one. Funny how easy it is to make up one’s mind when the chips are down isn’t it?

At last we began to turn so the wind was behind us and we set off along the wide track towards, amazingly, some cover from the wind. Glittertits, amazingly, seemed to be unaware why I had decided on the ‘Short’ Trail so I had to spell it out for him, smiting my forehead and rolling my eyes at his naivety. “I have to report, my dear fellow.” I began. “Now to ensure the Gobsheet readers obtain a rounded view of the Hash with all its nuances, characters and events I have to talk to as many people as possible. This week I have chosen to run with those who decided to take the shorter Trail.” Goodness me. Some people!

Glittertits pops up again in this journal. He and I had enjoyed a vibrant (and finally not breathless) conversation when we were caught up by TinOpener. More conversation followed as we trotted along by the river, up over the footbridge and down on the other side. We were puzzled somewhat by what appeared to be a short Bar with an ‘M’ next to it but ignored it and continued. That is, until we spotted Dorothy (one of today’s Hares) and SkinnyDipper on the other side of the river. Oops! By this time we were halfway to Newbury and had to backtrack all the way to the damn bridge, up over it, then run like the proverbial cat with its arse on fire to catch up with the casually ambling Swallow and Donut. The mark on the bridge must have been a Bar-3. Aargh!

The 5½ miles seemed to be stretching. More bare, colour washed-out, windswept fields, though lovely, were beginning to sap the energy. Across one more, then through a hedge on to an even barer, almost sepia lane, pocked with puddles and no obvious Trail. Until I spotted PennyPitstop and C4 picking their way along to the right. Thank the Lord the On Inn was just along that way.

Our thanks to the Hares for laying this long Trail on the Saturday, which was even colder than the Sunday. Brrr!

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA C5 presented the following :-

Ross was her champion – no problem

Up and Coming