Ugly Ducklings

Julie Lorna BGB Tequilova BlindPew RandyMandy Ms Whiplash Foghorn DragonLady Iceman Spex LoudonTasteless Carloss and dog Teddy Bomber Posh Lonely Shitfor Desperate BillyBullshit Cheating CrustyToasty Whinge TC PennyPitstop Bumwiper Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby Utopia Dumper Swallow Slowsucker SkinnyDipper Dribbler Butterfly Diver Booby CabinBuoy SlackBladder LittleStiffy Motox Lungs Caboose PonyExpress Slapper NoSole… and finally, OldFart

The Swan Lake Hash

4 o’clock. The time on the website and the Runsheet for the start of today’s Hash. 4 o’clock. The words uttered so often by NappyRash last week that everyone told him to shut up for goodness sake! So what time did OldFart roll into the car park? 7.30. Way after most people had left. And the usual time for a summer evening Trail. He did look suitable abashed as HP and I, followed by Whinge, TC, Caboose and Cheating as he stepped slowly up the stairs and into the pub. However, we ended up applauding his true Hashers’ spirit as he sank one pint of Fullers ESB, swiftly followed by another and a good old sit down.

I’ve entitled this piece ‘The Swan Lake Hash’ since it was almost that. After last week’s torrential rain (sadly Donut and I missed it since we were on holiday in dry, hot Turkey – I know you feel for us) most of the garden and the car park at The Flowing Spring was under water and Spring Lane, next to the pub was closed due to being under water. The landlord and landlady had temporarily renamed the pub The Flood Inn with humorous notices on the main road advertising the ‘Free Aqua Park’. Luckily, on the day most of the water had run off into the Thames though we Hares managed to make many of the Hashers feel they too had ‘run off’ into the Thames. Firstly, NappyRash had the exceptionally sneaky idea of ensuring that the faster runners would beast off towards Sonning Bridge to be met with a Bar-10. Secondly, a new footpath through the willows next to the gravel pit was still partially under water. Many of our water babes enjoyed this feature. I went through with Dribbler who galumphed through happily. Caboose told me later that one of our ladies had noticed the wet mark that was extending upwards on his light-coloured shorts from the knees. I advised him that this was far better and a lot less embarrassing than it extending downwards from further up. So the Bar-10 worked perfectly to enable the walkers and medium-paced Hashers become FRBs up Foxhill Lane, which is a pretty steep, winding hill that never seems to end. Luckily, we had placed a Regroup at the top and everyone arrived at around the same time. Now it started to get complicated.

We had laid a Walkers’/Short Trail, a Medium Trail and a Long Trail. Lord knows how, given all the rain and the cold weather when we laid them. It had been a tad unpleasant earlier. Fortunately, we had requested sunny intervals and warmer temperatures for the Hash and our wishes had been granted. We burst off in our selected directions (many and various) in the vague hope that we’d all end up at the Beer Stop roughly together. NappyRash and I stupidly went off with the Long Trailers. One of the problems of being a Hare, especially with a mixture of faster and medium runners, is to ensure that no-one gets left behind as the group spreads out, then run like bu**ery to also ensure that the FRBs don’t get too lost. Exhausting. I found myself with Cheating, wandering through the Clay Copse woods and musing on the direction of the Trail. At least, he was musing. He has this constant bug up his a*se obsession with second-guessing the Hares. Sometimes he’s right. Many times, he’s wrong. I still haven’t figured out why he doesn’t just enjoy the Trail. Perhaps one day I’ll understand.

We approached the Loddon Brewery and we Hares were please to see Slapper and Booby becoming very confused with four blobs and a False from a Check. While laying the Trail we Hares had discussed the legality, morality, efficacy and sheer bloody-mindedness of doing this and after deep thought, long and weighty discussion and much brow-beating we decided, bo**ocks – we’ll just do it. Glad that Slapper in particular found it rather funny. We certainly did. After running through that family’s rather nice garden (a legal footpath, of course) we reached a Check with three options. NappyRash and I had been very pleased that Donut and HP had decided to lay the two False Trails and we particularly enjoyed watching (and shouting encouragement to) Donut who plodded relentlessly up the sticky, ploughed field and only once (to ungentlemanly cheering by the two of us) lurched sideways and only just recovered her balance before what would have been a splashdown in a very sticky mess.

Amazingly, the walkers, followed closely by the Medium and Long Trailers all arrived at the Beer Stop just about together. They all stamped about in my garden, laughing and joking and swilling Stella. Although Billy attempted sabotage by hiding on of the boxes of lager cans. The little tinker is obviously almost back to his previous form. Wife Cerberus confided to us later that she knew he is getting better because he’s beginning to drive her nuts again – you’re not the only one, Cerberus. The blighter also picked up a container of flour I had left in my front garden and drew flour arrows all over the road outside, with one at the end of the road pointing in entirely the wrong direction. From the Beer Stop we had decided to give the Hash a treat, with the last stretch entirely downhill, with some lovely views across the fields. It gave our Harey legs a bit of a rest too and we dropped down gratefully into the car park before taking over the entire pub to drink, eat and enjoy.

Hope you all had as good a time as we did. Thanks for coming along!

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA C5 presented the following :-

Went through the beer quite well, though

Up and Coming

Suggest you check out http://www.berkshirehash.co.uk