Footsloggers

Simple Skids Bogbrush Fannybag Donut Hashgate Slapper NoSole Motox Blowjob Potty Nutty Pissquick Glittertits Barbara Spot Iceman LoudonTasteless Spex Mr Blobby Mrs Blobby Utopia Dumper Bumwiper and dog Ebony MessengerBoy Stripper PoisonedChalice BillyBullshit Cerberus NappyRash TC Whinge TinOpener BlindPew Swallow Slowsucker OldFart Dan FullFrontal Baldrick Jwax PennyPitstop Snowballs Slippery Lungs Horny Twanky Shandyman Lonely Anna Milosvic SkinnyDipper Florence Zebedee TT2 Itsyor Fiddler Angela Booby

The Virgin Hares’ Hash

So first let me apologise in print (I did so verbally) to Booby and Slapper who organized an excellent Trail last week at the Four Horseshoes at Checkendon and didn’t receive the courtesy of a Gobsheet, due to complete lack of time on my part. It was a classic Hash Trail, full of twists, turns and back Checks in and around superb forest and countryside.

Bit of a contrast tonight with newby Bob’s birthday Trail. He was very ably assisted by similar virgin Hare, Julie. Most of the route was on road, twisting around estates. Not that many years ago most of the now urban land was green and pleasant so those of us who could remember it ran ‘virtually’ in the country. The rest of us blamed Wokingham District Council for building on it.

Donut and I sat in our car in the car park, watching the antics of the drivers trying to park in the limited space – PennyPitstop’s performance was particularly enjoyable as she attempted (a number of times) to slide forwards into a space the size of Cardiff – and wondering if there would be anyone fit enough to take part in tonight’s extravaganza. Donut, for example, had tweaked her back (no it wasn’t attempting position 134b with triple axel) and eased herself out of the car like Dribbler had the week before; a timorous lifting of the leg, followed by a geriatric raising of the rest of her. Spot wandered over for a chat, telling us that he had been completely knackered recently by an ongoing complaint that lays him low from time to time. Potty hobbled over, advising us that he had stepped on a thorn some days earlier, had it dug out gleefully concernedly by Nutty and would be spending the Hash in the pub, supping ale with his foot up. Actually, if most of us had known how long the Trail would be we would have joined him. Slowsucker dot-and-carried over, the stitches in his knee (the result of last week’s Hash Crash) clearly evident. Whinge, who has not been well, arrived. Then Billy, who has been equally as unwell, but who is now, on physiotherapist orders, doing star jumps! Simple staggered past, letting us know that, “the usual bits are falling off”. Crikey. Talk about the Hospital Hash House Harriers!

Simple, our GM, gave us a less than brief introduction (sorry, can’t remember the content, nodded off a couple of times) welcomed the virgins and left it to Bob, tonight’s Hare, to warn us to take care crossing roads and that the Walker’s Trail went left out of the pub, while the main Trail went right. Which had us puzzling why NappyRash streamed off left. He and the rest of us put it down to base stupidity later. He said he figured he might be on the wrong Trail when he noticed everyone was walking. Took him a while to catch up with the runners.

We had stonked off along the tarmac and enjoyed the first three Checks. We should have enjoyed them a lot more since there weren’t any others. What we did enjoy was the sight of Bumwiper, with her little dog Ebony tethered to her belt by her lead, passing to the right of a telegraph pole while the eager hound passed to the left. Good job the lead wasn’t more bungee-like or they would have elasticated their way round the pole a number of times and ended up, if I may use the term, dog-knotted. As it was there was a sudden “Urk!” from both, a backtracking by Bumwiper to untangle the mess and an exhortation from her on the stupidity of dogs. Hmm. Nothing at all to do with her then… And this from a woman who had sung ‘The Hills are alive’ a few weeks earlier before announcing that she was Mary Poppins.

An awful lot of non-stop Trail ensued. Wherever we expected there to be a Check… there wasn’t. In many ways it was like a Trail full of One Blob Checks since wherever the Trail reached a point where it could have gone a number of ways we had to check it out. Even so, the Pack spread out thinner than Mr Fantastic of the Fantastic Four while having a bit of an old stretch.

NappyRash became confused again and Hash Crashed spectacularly in the dust of the dry earth. He told me that, on hias way down, he was thinking, “I really must roll and come up running.” Unfortunately, the old brain synapses weren’t working as fast as they should and by the time he had got to “running” he was face down, lierally biting dust. At last the Beer Stop at Bob’s mum’s house appeared, though a number of us had got confused just before this by marks on the pavement outside another house where the owner had put down some Ant Doom white powder. We fell upon the drinks, gasping in the heat and wondering just how blasted far we had run to this point. Bob announced that Julie would lead the Short Cutters down the road towards the pub while he would lead the Long Trailers on a ‘wiggle round the woods’. Not actually sure if anyone went for the wiggle. It seemed like everyone shot off on the ‘Short’ Trail, it being about 9 o’clock by this time. This ‘Short’ Trail turned out to be yet another major hack through suburban estates, finally popping out on to the Reading Road where a further ½ mile or so awaited us. I just got on with it, desperate for a pint, striding along the never-ending tarmac until I caught side of walkers Bogbrush and NoSole. What were they doing? They had stopped either side of a telegraph pole and NoSole was leaning over on one side with her hand on her hip. Looked like a warm up for a spot of pole dancing – not recommended on that splintery surface. But no, they had stopped for a stretch. I duly took the mickey and trotted on, finally meeting Dumper outside the pub and dobbing-in NappyRash to tonight’s RA for the Hash Crash. Thank the Lord we’d finished. Just under 8 miles apparently. And that was with the ‘Short’ Trail at the end.

Many thanks to our virgin Hares for giving up their time to lay this Hash. Perhaps a few more Checks and Bars next time? 

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Dumper presented the following :-

2 straws and 1 ½ 

Up and Coming