Berkshire Hash House Harriers 



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Mortimer Common



Hashers:  See results on Website for finishers

“The Fun Run”

 A beautiful summer evening greeted us as we arrived. Hashers huddled around a small table where a map of the new course was taped and also a list of the the handicaps. Master of Ceremonies aka Twanky was already dispatching early starters with the aid of a stop watch and an extremely noisy klaxon. Co-organiser Slapper meanwhile was limbering up with short sprints and stretches.

On examination of the “handicaps” it was obvious that the new management had slipped effortlessly into their new roles as the times allotted were just as bizarre as anything Motox ever dreamed up. Poor Caboose was apparently top athlete going off 29 minutes and one was left wondering who such a mild mannered chap had offended especially as his journeys to Hash venues always include several trains, a river crossing and a significant walk! Swallow who cannot run as fast as Motox can walk was starting 9 minutes behind him. Notable members of the committee (The GM for one) had clearly bought their times in the vain hope of finishing on the podium by foul means or fair. The failure to recognize who is actually an athlete has defeated most committees in the past and only Dwight’s insistence on wearing his Newbury AC vest stirred them into action. There are many ways of running a Hash: Steadily like C5, randomly like the directionally challenged Zebedee or with a degree of intelligence as Iceman (also based on having done 800+ runs) As usual none of this was taken into consideration or even other more obvious handicaps such as – Shandyman (Welsh), Shitfor (Living up to his name), Slowsucker (Gobby) and Flo (Vegetable sorry Vegetarian)

The new course was a figure of eight allowing a drinks stop at the crossover which as it was hot and the first half of the course quite challenging was a good idea. Challenging mentally also as even the first style proved difficult to find (Annie) and that was in sight of the start. It has to be said that there was plenty of flour and the course was well marked though this did not stop quite a few getting lost including Maggot who nobly fessed up when he realised and disqualified himself , Chopstix who should have known better, Shitfor sporting his Desperate Dan unshaven look tonight( You fear for Desperate’s sensitive skin!) and our “Winner” Rampant who didn’t seem un-phased that he had a) Done nearly half a mile less than everyone else and b) Not overtaken half the field either. All however eventually finished safely.

Onto the Horse and Groom where food had been laid on and the prize giving. Now those of us of a certain age will have been brought up with a weekly comic – Mine was “The Victor” which featured tales of daring do – Sniper Denison who shot Germans, Gorgeous Gus the aristocratic footballer and fish and chip eating welder Alf Tupper, Tough of the Track who featured in many a handicap race against the “toffs” straining every sinew to beat them from his start off scratch. For younger readers(<60 years) perhaps you saw the film “Chariots of Fire” where Eric Liddell played by Ian Charleson ran such a race at a Highland meeting. In Track running this involves being given yards advantage over the fastest who run further. Our version using time differential is intended to get us all back to the finish at the same time (some hope!) but with the first over the line being the winner. This has worked since Motox was a lad who with his stub of pencil and his raffle tickets has presided over many a successful run with the first three men and the first three women over the line being awarded various objets from the Hash collection of top awards. Times were recorded but only to allow the more competitive to complain about the unjustness of their handicap, their injuries, their age – you get the drift.

It would be easy to blame Simple who first strayed from the right and true way but David Friend (Slapper) who embraces all aspects of social media and technology despite his age and his Lap Top must take the bulk of the blame for awarding prizes according to time! I would “unfriend” Mr Friend if I knew a young person to show me how! The award ceremony subsequently turned into a farce aided by much good humoured barracking after “The computer said no!” Bring back Motox’s pencil I say!

Rosettes were awarded as follows:

MEN’S RACE: 1/Rampant (Shortcutter) 2/Zebedee (Who ran the course) 3/Woodentop (Who finished nearly last)

WOMEN’S RACE: 1/ No Name (First across the line but only after a protest from the crowd) 2/ Flo (First Vegetarian) 3/ Desperate (First Ash Blonde)

Results have been amended subsequently though most I believe are beyond caring.

On On.  Slowsucker

Down Downs



Swallow – Best Faller for diving into a patch of nettles early on as if it isn’t bad enough living with me!

Annie – Most directionally challenged (Hard fought for this award)

Shandyman – Most blood loss for taking on several bigger prickles than him

In summary it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening if somewhat shambolic and especial thanks should go to Slapper, Twanky and Nosole who organised the food. I would like to publicly apologise to Twanky who I clearly pxxxxd off with my inane chattering and it is only a surprise that it has taken him so long to realise that I am a Twat as the rest of the Hash has known for years!